Do Gaslighters Accuse Others of Gaslighting?

Gaslighting, a term that has increasingly become part of the vernacular, is a destructive type of interpersonal behavior that confuses and, ultimately, causes frustration and confusion for the receiving party. The term refers to behaviors one invokes to cause another to doubt or second-guess their perspective on reality. An individual who gaslights may call the other “crazy,” jealous, or paranoid, twist memories, or “misremember” events to deny any objective reality.

What triggers a gaslighter to gaslight another?

Gaslighting is a defensive behavior that is resorted to when the gaslighter is held accountable for things they want to avoid or ignore. When a gaslighter gaslights, the behavior invalidates the thoughts and feelings of the other or dismisses them altogether.

Gaslighting is a common defense mechanism employed by those who present with a narcissistic personality. While narcissistic personality exists on a spectrum, the full-blown disorder is defined as narcissistic personality disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5). Some individuals – approximately 1 percent of the population – may meet the full criteria for the disorder. In contrast, others may present behavior that falls on the spectrum but does not necessarily rise to the level of the full-blown disorder as diagnosed by mental health professionals.

Based on anecdotes from more than 20 years in the mental health field, narcissistic individuals often use gaslighting as a part of their everyday repertoire to regulate and manage their interpersonal relationships. Understanding the motivation for gaslighting is best framed by understanding the vulnerability narcissists work hard to avoid feeling. One way they try to prevent feeling vulnerable is to control their environment and relationships as much as possible. Although attempting to control reality in a relationship may not seem like a realistic or productive effort, gaslighting makes more intuitive sense when viewed as a survival mechanism for someone who is terrified that being held accountable to reality will lead to problems for them.

A near-constant refrain to consider the gaslighter’s deep fear of vulnerability is required for those in proximity to these individuals to understand why gaslighting is utilized in the first place. Narcissistic gaslighters operate from an underlying fear of others taking advantage of or exploiting them; they fear that anything they share may be used against them as leverage. In translation to everyday relationships, when someone holds a gaslighter accountable for something that happened, the narcissistic personality’s anxiety gets triggered. They shift to gaslighting out of fear that such accountability will later be held against them.

Why would a gaslighter accuse another of gaslighting?

Sadly, and to the detriment of the interpersonal relationships involved, many individuals on the receiving end of gaslighting have found that one of the most shocking ways gaslighting is used includes the gaslighter accusing the other person of gaslighting. In this way, the gaslighter has taken their well-honed skills to defend themselves and shifted into a limbic-based, retaliatory response by accusing the other of the very behavior they practice themself: to gaslight and twist reality.

An Example of How It Works

When a narcissistic gaslighter is confronted with the truth or held accountable, they may exclaim with Oscar-winning incredulity, “Now you’re gaslighting me!” They may exclaim, “You’re twisting reality,” or “Something is wrong with your memory.” While confusing and shocking in its lack of logic, the behavior is effective in distracting and throwing off the other person. The gaslighter uses this manipulation – accusing the other of gaslighting – to colloquially beat the other to the punch. Gaslighters know what they’re doing when they gaslight, so they tell themselves when cornered that accusing the other of their own manipulative trick will render the other’s credibility in the argument meaningless and invalid.

In everyday parlance, an effective word to describe the interpersonal dynamics with a narcissistic gaslighter is “messy.” Those close to the gaslighter often find themselves stuck in an endless cycle of trying to justify, explain and defend what they say, feel, and believe. When narcissists don’t get what they want or can’t control the narrative in a situation, they often keep pushing until they break the other down to give in. Those in proximity to the narcissistic gaslighter become exhausted and resentful over time.

Because the narcissistic gaslighter often won’t agree to or validate what is real and objective in interpersonal exchanges, those close to them typically find themselves defending themselves – and reality – along these lines: “It’s not just me who believes this; if you polled a hundred people, they'd all understand what I'm saying.” And because their arguments to convince the gaslighter to see reality inevitably fail, those close to the narcissist often feel compelled to refer to others to support their arguments by sharing what friends or family members have said or believe in reinforcing reality.

Gaslighting Essential Reads

Why People Gaslight

Are You With a Gaslighter? Signs and Strategies

Set Up to Fail

Convincing a gaslighter to accept reality and to stop controlling the narrative are often losing endeavors. Narcissistic personality – the supreme landlord of gaslighting behavior – involves a set of defense mechanisms that have been employed as a survival mechanism for many years. The narcissist's inner life, from morning until night, is one where the environment is fraught with traps and people they fear will exploit them. There may be little value in convincing a cognitively intact adult why, as a metaphor, 2 + 2 = 4.

A Possible Solution

While some life stressors and issues can be well mitigated by embarking daily on effective coping skills and leaning on the social support of trusted others, the psychological dynamic of close involvement with a narcissistic gaslighter may be best treated by an ongoing therapeutic relationship. By seeing a mental health professional for ongoing support, the professional can systematically walk the sufferer through a systematic plan for understanding and coping with the problem.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.