Shouldering the Hard Work of Grief

There is little work more difficult than working through grief. After all, we may have to deal with a range of confusing and even conflicting emotions that include sadness, anger, or guilt—and perhaps even relief. We may have to totally reorganize our lives—learning, for example, to live alone after being a part of a pair for decades. We may have to re-examine our beliefs about the world or our spiritual beliefs. Even on a practical level, we may have to take on new duties or chores that were once the responsibility of another. And we do this all with depleted energy as we cope with the loss.

Grief and Health

It is perhaps little wonder, then, that grief can be dangerous to our health. This risk is greater for older persons but grief can adversely affect anyone’s health. There are a number of reasons for this.

First is that grief is stressful and stress affects health. Second, when someone who was very much part of our life dies, our own behaviors may change. For example, the widow who once cooked three healthy meals a day for herself and her partner may now be eating erratically. Someone who once exercised daily with a beloved sister is now no longer motivated to do so.

Finally, a large percentage of us die of chronic conditions. Such conditions often are influenced by lifestyle factors such as diet or exercise habits—risk factors that are likely shared by partners, family members, or other close loved ones. Dr. Colin Murray Parkes—a pioneer in studying grief—noted this increased mortality risk for older widows, in particular, calling it "broken heart syndrome."

How Self-Care Can Help Us Cope with Loss

Self-care, then, is a critical issue as we cope with loss. One especially important component of self-care during this time is validating our grief. This means acknowledging the loss, recognizing that grief is a natural response to loss, and understanding the ways that grief is affecting us.

It also means taking good care of ourselves, both physically and mentally. As we struggle with the stress of bereavement, eating properly, getting adequate rest, and exercising are even more important than they once were. Such care makes us more resilient to the inevitable stress of loss.

But respite is important, too. Like any hard work, we need time off—time to rest. That is often difficult in grief.

Sometimes, it's because we feel “recovery guilt.” Diana, an older widow, experienced that a few months after her husband died. Watching her grandson’s nursery school program brought both joy and laughter—the first time she experienced those emotions since her husband’s death. She then felt guilty after—believing it was inappropriate so soon after her husband’s death for her to have such emotions.

Yet it's not only normal that in grief we have such moments—even more critically, it is helpful. We need such moments. They give us hope that even the pain of grief—however troubling—is neither relentless nor never-ending.

Grief, after all, is hard work. We need those moments where we rest. Sometimes we need to take time away from our grief. We need that respite.