Relationships: Death By 1000 Cuts

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I’m sitting across from a couple considering a separation. When I ask them "why," the husband pipes up, “It’s me. I’m emotionally flat; I just can’t keep going. You’ve heard the phrase, death by 1000 cuts? That’s me; that’s us.”

He continues on about situations in past years that have left an emotional residue–times when he felt not appreciated, unjustly criticized, or neglected, home projects that went unnoticed; a holiday party where he felt left out; a time when he was sick and received no support or compassion.

“Did you talk about these things when they came up?” I ask.

“I’d mention it, but when I got no response or saw no change, I let it go. I said my piece; I don’t believe in harping on things, creating a lot of drama.”

While other clients might not describe their problems so poignantly, this couple is not alone. Other couples reach their breaking point because one or often both partners feel the same–the weight of unsolved problems, the accumulated slights and resentments over the years that have never been heard or resolved add up. Over time the load becomes too much and causes the relationship to collapse. There’s no energy left to do anything more.

It doesn’t have to be this way. How to prevent this relationship death by these 1000 cuts?

Stop the cutting.

Stop the cutting means letting the other person know when the wounding happens and separating unintentional scrapes from those deep cuts. The crazy, irritable breakfast rush that you caused by a sleepless night and too much coffee that you can forget about two hours later is a scrape.

If it’s an isolated event, a perfect emotional storm, mop up, apologize, and move on, "Sorry, I was irritable this morning; I was tired, and the kids were plucking my nerves." But if it’s part of a bigger pattern, like you feel dumped on most mornings, even though you’ve brought it up, it’s dismissed or ignored. Or maybe it's part of an even bigger pattern, like you feel dismissed most of the time or constantly criticized, the other person can never reach a compromise, or is always preoccupied with work. Then it's time to speak up about this bigger pattern. That pattern is the dismissals, the criticisms, the stubbornness, and the lifestyle that isn’t working.

The challenge here is to sidestep the snipping and snapping and complaining, and getting into the weeds of a specific situation, instead focusing on the bigger picture, the overall emotional climate of the relationship. The challenge is to advocate for what you need most and not give up after one or two attempts.

Heal the past wounds.

Sometimes stopping the wounding is only half the equation; old wounds are still bleeding and draining the relationship: an affair that was “patched up” but was swept under the rug and still emotionally lingers; the argument that went off the rails was ugly and hurtful and what was said can still sting when tempers flare again; the still unsettled feeling about what triggered that job firing or drug relapse. In this case, it’s about the wounded person(s) saying what they need most to get closure.

Sometimes this is about sitting down and letting the injured person vent about how they felt about a situation in the past, with no response other than sincere, empathic listening. Other times it is about connecting the dots–sitting down and getting more information about what happened when to create a better and deeper understanding than the one they’ve made up. Sometimes it is about a sincere apology that never came at the time. It’s up to the wounded party to figure out what they need to help put the past to rest.

Learn the lesson.

Life is about learning lessons that are embedded in these years of hurt. Once you stop cutting and get closure about the past, you need to extract what your life and relationship have taught you about running your life going forward. The lessons are usually clear: Speak up when ongoing problems arise; voice your concerns clearly; if you feel unheard or dismissed, circle back and speak up again. Push for what is important to you. Find an agreeable way to solve your problem, and if you can’t find out why you can’t—solve the problem under the problem.

A thousand cuts in a relationship, as in life, eventually leads to relationship death. Don’t ignore the cuts. Find ways to heal them.