Use Small Asks With Your Partner to Improve Communication

You’re feeling discouraged. You and your partner have been arguing. You’re wondering how a conversation that started so calmly could end up so tense.

You feel lonely and wonder if you’re the only one who faces such challenges.

Also, you’re not sure how to revisit the topic. This exchange felt so uncomfortable that you’re considering avoiding it altogether.

You’re considering sweeping it under the rug and pretending it didn’t happen.

Improving your relationship can start with a small ask.

Source: Raymond Petrie/Pexels

You’re not alone.

Communication challenges in couple relationships are quite common, leading many couples to feel thwarted.

In fact, when couples opt to engage in couples therapy, one of their primary stated goals is often to improve communication.

What are the challenges to improving communication? What can be done?

Challenges to communication are things that slow us down, get in the way, or even stop us from communicating well about sensitive topics.

Here are three common challenges to watch out for during touchy conversations:

1. You trigger each other or “press each other’s buttons”. Sometimes one or both partners in a relationship have sensitive topics that we could call “triggers” or “buttons”. If each person in the relationship is aware of the sensitivity of the other person, couples can learn to add support to each other as they talk. For example, “Jenny, I know that when we talk about fitness, it is triggering for you, so can we just talk about it in terms of what I need?”
2. You want to run away. Sometimes one or both partners have learned that when they feel anxious, they want to exit the conversation. This is the “flight” tendency from the fight or flight response. Couples can learn to exit with sensitivity such as, “I need some air but maybe we can continue this conversation once we’ve both cooled down.”
3. You want to fight. Sometimes when one or both partners feel uncomfortable emotions, they transfer the emotion into anger. They might become aggressive in their approach to communication. The aggressive approach can lead to the idea that the conversation topic isn’t a safe topic, decreasing vulnerability and intimacy.

3 Small Asks That Can Help

Small asks imply that you’re only asking for help with this conversation, not others. The phrase, “Just for this conversation, can we…,” can help your partner realize that this is not a permanent rule.

1. Ask for what makes you feel safe. For example, “I have a need for safety, and I want us to both feel heard, seen, and loved. Just for this conversation, can we work to make it safe for each other by taking turns and not interrupting?” Some couples take notes or use a timer so as to not interrupt.
2. Ask for calm voices. Our tones of voice can affect the communication we have. For example, “I feel scared when our voices escalate. Just for this conversation, can we try to slow it down and try to use calm voices?”
3. Ask for support and sensitivity around trigger areas or “buttons”. Most people have something that is emotional for them to discuss, making support helpful. For example, “I know this topic can send each of us into a spiral. Just for this conversation, can we try to support each other and be gentle when talking about that topic?”

Keeping asks small and temporary can help you and your partner begin to create safety, encouraging you to communicate sooner about stressful topics.

Safety helps couples want to communicate better, and it can raise the respectfulness of the communication exchange.

Ultimately, a respectful relationship can help you begin to understand each other, create more empathy, and lay the foundation for better communication.

So, instead of sweeping it under the rug and dealing with a lot of stress later, consider facing issues sooner with a small ask!