The Secret Reasons Women Fake Orgasms

Source: alexander-krivitskiy/UnSplash

The phenomenon of women faking orgasms, often referred to in academic circles as “pretending orgasms,” is surprisingly prevalent. The latest research reveals that approximately 59 percent of women have faked an orgasm at least once, and this statistic holds true across both younger and older generations.

Why is this so common? What are the underlying causes and lasting consequences? And is faking ever a good thing?

The Pressure to Perform

One of the primary reasons many women report faking orgasms lies in the overwhelming pressure to conform to unrealistic cultural standards of sexual performance.

Where do these pressures stem from?

A significant influence comes from the widespread consumption of pornography, which often showcases women who instantly get turned on, enjoy multiple climaxes with ease, and possess perfectly toned bodies contorted into acrobatic sexual positions.

The idea that sex is a performance, where the chief objective is crossing the proverbial “finish” line, can cause many women to feel inadequate or “broken” when they fail to meet that goal. For these women, faking orgasms reflects an attempt to mask their own perceived deficiencies.

This effect is amplified by the fact that porn frequently depicts scenes that glamorize types of sex that may not align with what many women genuinely enjoy.

While some women revel in the rougher aspects of sex, such as domination or even choking, many do not—and yet, the pressure to appear adventurous or “non-vanilla” can push them into pretending to enjoy acts they find uncomfortable or unpleasurable, all in the name of performance.

Emotional Connection and Avoiding Disappointment

Another common reason women cite for faking orgasms is the desire to protect their partner’s feelings.

In Western culture, women are often socialized to be nurturing and to prioritize others' emotions over their own. As a result, many women fear that without appearing to orgasm, their partner will feel rejected or demasculinized—and that his emotional well-being is more important than her own right to sexual pleasure.

This pressure isn't one-sided; men, too, are influenced by the unrealistic portrayals of sexuality in the media. Many believe that “giving their woman an orgasm” is the ultimate proof of their sexual prowess or masculinity. This belief can create anxiety, where “failing” to “give” their partner an orgasm poses a massive threat to their self-esteem, which their female partners then feel pressured to protect.

The desire to protect a partner from these feelings by faking an orgasm also reflects the stale cultural myth that great sex can only happen when both partners climax.

Yes, orgasm should be prioritized, and doubly so for straight women who orgasm during partnered sex at far lesser rates than men or lesbians. That doesn’t mean orgasm should be the only goal of sex. It’s one possible aspect of a satisfying sexual experience, but its presence doesn’t define great sex in the binary way that so many assume.

The Taboo of Communication

Another common reason women report on surveys for faking orgasms is either not knowing how to ask for what they want during sex or simply wanting the sex, which presumably has become unsatisfying, to end. When something isn’t pleasurable, and you don’t know how to change that, sometimes pretending you’ve “finished” is the easiest solution.

The frequency of this stated reason for faking reflects a deeply ingrained cultural paradox: Despite sex appearing everywhere today (not just porn but Netflix shows, popular press books, and magazine articles), there still exists a tremendous amount of taboo around discussing the topic of sex. Many parts of the U.S. also still lack comprehensive sex education, which teaches sexual communication skills and promotes open dialogues around sex for couples.

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As a result, many couples don’t even know how to discuss their sex lives. The idea of having regular check-ins about sexual fantasies, things they’d like to experiment with or try, and giving and asking for feedback before, during, and after sex feels wildly uncomfortable to many, even those who have been together for decades.

Ultimately, partners remain at a loss for what truly feels good to their partner. And without this knowledge, real, authentic orgasms become more challenging to come by.

Impact on Relationships

Faking an orgasm might seem like a harmless fib, but the reality is that over time, it can wreak havoc on a relationship.

The harm is not just in the dishonesty of the act itself. The reality is that faking orgasms prevents learning and growth as a couple. The sharing, trust, and emotional connection that comes from communicating openly and honestly about your wants and desires is an essential component of a relationship's emotional fabric.

Faking an orgasm stops that communication process in its tracks. It also prevents sex from getting better and being more pleasurable. And finding out that your partner has been faking over the course of weeks, months, or years can feel like a massive betrayal that can inflict long-term harm to one's relationship.

Is Faking Ever Good?

Although in most cases faking leads to negative consequences, there are two other distinct reasons that women report faking orgasms that are potentially beneficial.

Research shows that when women report that their motivation for faking an orgasm is to help them become more aroused, they experience more real orgasms overall. This is consistent with the finding that oftentimes, our cognitions follow our behavior rather than vice versa, meaning that we only decide how we feel about something after perceiving our own behavioral reaction to it.

In other words, sometimes you truly do "fake it 'till you make it." And in those cases, a little drama can go a long way, so long as the entire sexual experience doesn't become overly performative.

Faking can also be benign in a context where someone is trying to quickly end sex with someone they don't plan on continuing a relationship with.

Everyone should be able to say no to any sexual experience they no longer feel like having. But for someone who desperately wants to avoid awkwardness and has no intent on building a lasting connection, pretending to have an orgasm is a better option than suffering through disappointing sex in silence.

Forward: A New Paradigm of Pleasure

Understanding the cultural, relational, and personal reasons behind why women fake orgasms opens the door to meaningful change.

In certain situations, faking might be beneficial, either as a convenient way to end disappointing sex with a casual partner or to help yourself get more turned on. But in the context of creating truly satisfying sexual intimacy in long-term relationships, faking can slowly erode authenticity and trust.

By acknowledging the impact of distorted sexual narratives—those that dictate how bodies “should” perform or what activities they “should” enjoy—we can free ourselves from the shame that comes with not meeting these expectations.

Instead of faking orgasms, couples should focus on improving their communication skills to create more sexual experiences where real orgasms are more possible. The key is to make an authentic commitment to honoring our right to pleasure, to speak openly about our desires, and to express our innate sense of sexual curiosity.