Jung’s Shadow and Narcissists

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Even if you have never studied psychology, you have most probably heard of the two giants in the field of psychiatry and psychology, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung. Personally, I prefer Jung because I love two concepts from his theory: the synchronicities and the concept of archetypes. Today, I will focus on the latter, and on one archetype in particular, the Shadow. While we are often ashamed of our Shadow side or are even unaware of it, we cannot but admit that we have it when we are in a relationship with a narcissist. So, what is the Shadow and how does it relate to narcissists?

Carl Jung defined the Shadow as something that personifies everything that we refuse to acknowledge and accept about ourselves. It is a hidden, repressed or suppressed part of our personality that we are consciously or unconsciously trying to deny and that we feel guilty about. Unfortunately, the Shadow always rears its ugly head in spite of our best efforts. In particular, it manifests in our relationships with narcissists.

Relationships with narcissists are almost always wonderful at the beginning because narcissists will literally do whatever it takes to charm our socks off and get under our skin. They will be gallant, seductive, loving, attentive, delightful, witty, and fun, showering us with affection. Sooner or later we will come to the conclusion that they are our Prince Charming personified. Unfortunately, the golden period in a relationship with a narcissist never lasts forever. Nor does it diminish gradually. Almost as a rule, it changes overnight from the golden period into the darkest period.

Why does it happen? For one very simple reason: We want to become more emotionally close and intimate with our narcissists. We start poking into their old wounds and want to help them, rescue them in a way. To them, we become too overbearing because they hate being analyzed and perceived as vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, they start withdrawing, paying less attention to us, ignoring our calls, refusing to open up, becoming more cold and distant. All of a sudden, our Prince Charming turns into a Dark Knight. This, of course, leaves us dumbfounded, baffled, insecure, rejected, unloved, and profoundly sad. We want our narcissists back. We don’t want to be abandoned and are willing to do whatever it takes to have them return into our loving arms. We are desperate to save the relationship.

The problem, though, is that narcissists refuse to respond to our endeavors and consider our efforts as pathetic groveling. Hence, they become mean, evil, punishing and even more rejecting. The more we try, the more they make us feel like the laughing stock. What used to be an amorous relationship turns quickly into a power struggle. Since narcissists often act in an unscrupulous manner when trying to protect and defend themselves, we, too, start using everything at our disposal to fight back and become vengeful.

It is then that we enter the spiral of hate and despair, and the responses narcissists elicit from us are horrid. We say and do things we never thought possible. We engage in destructive behavior and find ourselves wondering, “What made me do that? This is not me.” No, this is not our true self. This is our Shadow, our dark side which is only awakened when we are in a situation of life and death. In a destructive narcissistic relationship, we really are facing the question of survival, of how to maintain our mental sanity and emotional stability in tumultuous circumstances. Narcissists know exactly which buttons to push to upset us, to lure us back in, to make us feel special—and the very next second worthless. They excel at making us jump through hoops, providing them with narcissistic fuel, leaving us exhausted and empty.

But this game is physically and emotionally draining for us. One minute we are on cloud nine with them and the following minute they slam us into the ground. The cycle repeats several times. It is only natural that we temporarily blow a fuse and react in the most inappropriate way. We then often feel shame, guilt, self-loathing, anger, anxiety, inferiority, and envy. Since we have always been taught to suppress the Shadow, we don’t know how to handle these reactions and emotions. Therefore, they control us and our behavior. However, all is not as negative as it might seem.

Human beings feel positive and negative emotions, we have a positive and a negative side of our personality, we just don’t particularly like to admit it. Because we are told that negative emotions are not to be expressed, as they are socially unacceptable, we sometimes ignore them so much that we repress them completely. It doesn’t make them go away though, they just start eating us up from the inside. Hence, it is useless to pretend we don’t have a dark side. One of the silver linings in relationships with narcissists is that they make us aware of our Shadow, composed of undesired, negative thoughts and emotions. Once we are aware of something, we can recognize it, admit we have it, and learn how to express it in a positive, non-destructive manner. Once the Shadow no longer frightens and controls us, we can personally grow and develop, too.