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Divorce
3 Reasons Why Both Spouses Feel Like the Bad Guy in a Divorce
Emotions run high and low on the bumpy ride to dissolving a marriage.
Updated March 16, 2025 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- Separating from someone you love is hard.
- Confirmation bias will skew your perspective.
- Staying aware of your own emotional reality will help you dissolve your marriage with fewer highs and lows.
Divorce is rarely a simple process, emotionally or legally. One of the most paradoxical aspects of divorce is that both spouses often feel like the bad guy, while simultaneously seeing their former partner in the same light. Such a dual perspective stems from guilt, self-justification, and the human tendency to create narratives that protect our emotions.
The Guilt of Asking for What Feels Fair
When a couple divorces, the process of dividing assets, responsibilities, and sometimes even time with children is fraught with tension. Even in the most amicable divorces, each person struggles with the feeling that they are either asking for too much or giving up too much.
For the spouse initiating the divorce, there is often guilt associated with ending the marriage, even if the relationship has been unhappy for years. They may feel selfish for pursuing their own happiness, breaking up a family structure, or causing financial hardship for the other person. If they ask for financial support, they may feel greedy or opportunistic. If they waive certain assets, they may feel that they are being taken advantage of or not standing up for themselves.
On the other hand, the spouse who did not initiate the divorce may feel guilty about protecting what they believe they have rightfully earned. They may worry that demanding financial security makes them appear vindictive or that fighting for custody rights makes them seem controlling. No matter the circumstance, the process forces both individuals to balance advocating for themselves while fearing they are being unfair.
The Negative Narratives We Tell Ourselves
When a marriage breaks down, it is natural for both individuals to create a narrative that explains why. Unfortunately, such narratives often cast the other person in a negative light. This serves two psychological functions: It helps justify the divorce decision, and it makes it easier to move on.
If a person sees their ex-spouse as selfish, unfaithful, or unreasonable, it is easier to walk away without regret. Such a narrative may not be entirely accurate, but it allows for emotional closure. Similarly, when someone feels they are being unfairly blamed or misunderstood, they reinforce their own belief that they are the "good" one in the situation, even while struggling with self-doubt.
The narrative is compounded by the fact that people in emotional distress often engage in confirmation bias—the tendency to interpret new information in a way that supports pre-existing beliefs. A spouse who already feels betrayed will view every financial request or custody dispute as proof that their ex is manipulative. Conversely, someone who feels abandoned will see their ex's demands as proof of selfishness or punishment.
The Role of Anger in Emotional Detachment
Anger is often a defense mechanism that makes it easier to leave a relationship. It is far less painful to end things with someone you perceive as "bad" than with someone you still love or respect. This is why people tend to exaggerate their grievances during divorce.
By focusing on the other person’s flaws, a spouse can justify their actions and minimize their own feelings of sadness or regret. This is why even couples who once deeply loved each other can become bitter adversaries in a divorce. In some cases, legal battles serve only to reinforce such negative narratives, as both people feel forced to defend themselves from the other.
Breaking the Cycle: Finding Perspective
Despite such challenges, it is possible to break free from the cycle of blame and guilt. Recognizing that both spouses likely feel the same way—both guilty and wronged—can foster empathy. Here are some steps that can help:
1. Acknowledge Your Own Guilt Without Letting It Define You
- Guilt is a natural emotion, but it does not mean you are a bad person. Recognize it, but do not let it lead to self-punishment or poor decision-making.
2. Challenge the Narrative
- Ask yourself: "Is my ex really as bad as I believe, or am I looking for reasons to justify my pain?"
- Remember that both of you likely made mistakes, and viewing the divorce through a lens of mutual imperfection can ease resentment.
3. Seek Support from Neutral Parties
- Therapists, divorce coaches, or support groups can help provide perspective that friends and family (who may take sides) cannot.
4. Avoid Unnecessary Conflict
- When emotions run high, small disputes can escalate into major battles. Picking your battles wisely can prevent additional pain for both parties.
5. Focus on the Future, Not the Past
- Divorce is an ending, but it is also a new beginning. The sooner both parties focus on what they want moving forward, the less time they will spend dwelling on blame.
Conclusion
Divorce is a complex emotional process, and it is natural for both people to feel like the bad guy while also seeing the other as the villain. Such conflict arises from guilt, self-protection, and the need to justify difficult choices. While these emotions are inevitable, they do not have to control the divorce process. With self-awareness and a focus on healing rather than blame, both individuals can navigate divorce with less resentment and greater emotional clarity.
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