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Gwen cried quietly, head down, tissues crumpled in her lap, as she sat in my office not long ago.
“It’s hopeless,” she said at last. “My husband and I fight constantly and he refuses to go to couples counseling. I love him, but sometimes he’s such an asshole. I can’t stand the fighting and I don’t know what to do. Maybe we were never meant to be together.”
Conflict is part of every couple’s life in a variety of ways. No matter how much you love each other, there are times when you’ll disagree. The problem isn’t that you fight but how you fight.
There are some people who, having learned the pattern in their families of origin, fight recreationally. This can be problematic when that person's spouse takes the conflict seriously, the recreational aspects eluding him or her. Some people, faced with the smallest disagreement, go immediately for the jugular, comparing the spouse to a loathed other or threatening divorce. Some, faced with conflict, tune out immediately, and are reflexively defensive. Some couples fight with stony silences and issues never get resolved. Some couples fight only occasionally, but intensely. Others constantly spiral out of control even over relatively minor disagreements.
“I don’t know why people get so uptight about couples yelling and screaming,” a client I’ll call Caden said the other day. “My wife and I fight verbally all the time, never, ever getting physical with each other. But would you believe that our neighbors have called the police three times in the past seven months? They say they worry about how all the yelling is affecting our kids. Our kids are fine. We’re fine. We just irritate each other sometimes. That’s all.”
But Caden admits that, for all the intensity of their conflicts, he and his wife aren’t resolving any of the issues that stand between them and this only adds to their mutual frustration.
Whatever the circumstances or issues that spark conflict, there are some ground rules that can help fights be less hurtful and more conducive to positive change.
1. Focus on feelings, not blame and personal attacks. Tell your spouse how a situation makes you feel rather than focusing on his or her behavior. Saying "I feel anxious when you're late coming home and haven't called" is more likely to result in a productive discussion than "You're always late! What were you doing? Why do you do this to me?" Accusations more often bring defensiveness and the escalation of anger rather than rational discussions.
2. Lose the attitude. Attitude can be a major anger trigger and preclude rational solutions. Eye-rolling, saying “Whatever…”, getting into another’s face, and name-calling all take the conflict to another, less productive level. Take a deep breath, count to 10, and then listen.
"But it's impossible," Caden protested when I made this suggestion. "I was born with an attitude! That's the way I was raised."
Attitude is a defensive habit learned. You can learn new ways of being with another that can lead to more positive outcomes.
3. Give yourself a time-out if you’re too angry to resolve a conflict. If you are furious and on the verge of saying something you know you'll regret, take time to calm down before you speak — and announce this instead of maintaining a stony silence. Saying, "I know you're concerned and I really want to talk about this, but I need time to calm down. Can you give me 15 minutes?" works better than a stream of expletives or storming off in silence with the issue unresolved.
4. Stay in the present. Don’t re-hash old conflicts or say “You always…” It can be a temptation, as your anger level rises, to throw in past issues as corroborating evidence that your spouse is incorrigible. But complicating your conflict by re-visiting past battles can add to the intensity of the conflict and, perhaps, to the sense of futility both of you are feeling. Focus on the current issue and be specific. What would you like to change or have changed? How can you both contribute to making this happen?
5. Understand that marital conflicts are different. There’s more at stake with a spouse or partner than with a sibling, a co-worker or friend. The anger can be more intense, the disappointment or sense of betrayal more painful. When you don’t live with a person, it can be easier to resolve differences and make up … or not. With marriage, it’s more complicated. And with heterosexual couples, there can be gender differences in reactions to conflict.
"My husband has this belief that if he says he's sorry — even in passing — that should be the end of it," my client Brittany told me. "But "sorry" doesn't cut it if there's no understanding on his part that this is a problem and we need to talk about it and do something to change a situation. He complains that at work, saying he is sorry about something is enough to clear the air. Well, it's not enough here at home!"
6. Take a close look at recurring issues and resolve to change even one thing to make a difference. When your differences are ongoing and resolutions elusive, try agreeing to make one change right now that can be a first step on the way to solving the problem. This has worked for many couples, including clients I'll call Mike and Amanda.
"We have always argued about money, blaming each other when money runs short and credit card balances start climbing again," Amanda said. "Finally, we agreed on one thing: Stop blaming each other and work on ways that we each could change our spending habits. Some of the things we did were to make a game out of seeing how little each of us could use our credit cards that month. And we started carrying small notebooks, writing down cash purchases. But what helped most was that critical first step: to stop blaming the other and start taking more responsibility for our own spending habits."
7. Look at conflict in a new way: not as an ending but as a new beginning. Bringing simmering conflicts into the open can be a positive move forward. The worst-case scenario may well be hiding from conflict, staying silent when you need to speak up, as your resentment and feelings of distance build. Taking that first step toward airing your feelings with each other may feel uncomfortable initially, but may eventually revitalize your relationship.
Gwen went home after our session, determined to work toward change. She decided to do one thing differently: She reported her feelings instead of reflexively accusing her husband of unreasonable behavior. She was stunned by his reaction. When the focus was on her feelings instead of on his behavior, he started listening and responding in new ways. His behavior began to change little by little. He expressed loving feelings more often than critical or dismissive words. The couple still has a way to go. They have many issues to face and to resolve. But he has agreed to go with Gwen for couples counseling. And the yelling and name-calling have stopped.
“Life isn't perfect and may never be," Gwen said recently. "But at least now I'm feeling heard and loved more than I have in a long time. Now, I have hope that we can work things out and find a new, happier way to be together."
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