How We Communicate Our Need for Affection

I recently returned from the National Communication Association’s 2021 annual meeting after not being face-to-face with colleagues and friends for over two years. I was struck by how genuinely delighted people seemed to just be together, even wearing face masks. As a communication specialist, I am aware that the purpose of an association is, well, to associate. I have understood that fact during my career, but I must admit I never appreciated associating more than I have this particular year. I don’t think I realized how starved I have been for the opportunity to be together with longtime friends and associates, and even give and receive some hugs.

Clear Communication Stickers

At this conference I attended, I was not surprised to have a choice of stickers for our name badges that indicated our own preferred pronoun when addressing us (e.g., they, him, or her). I certainly appreciate knowing how someone would like to be addressed. However, this was the first time there was also a selection of stickers from which to choose that indicated how we wanted others to interact with us. Some people chose a sticker that communicated they wanted a no-touch greeting and to keep a distance between us, for others, it was offering an elbow, for still others, hugs were invited. While this set of explicit communication directions seemed strange and maybe even a little off-putting at first, I quickly came to appreciate it. In fact, it got me to thinking that sometimes I wished people’s needs and preferences for communication were this clear in our daily lives.

Maybe this particular year more than most, communication and connections matter to us. In reality, this is always an important part of our lives. As we have opportunities to gather with family and friends, we may be looking forward to it and, at the same time, we may feel some trepidation or may even feel a bit out of practice. It is always important to understand our own communication preferences and to be aware of what others need and want from us.

Inviting and Communicating Affection

We know that communication and relationships are important. In his book, The Loneliness Cure, communication researcher Kory Floyd talks about the importance of receiving and giving affection for both our physical and our mental well-being; it is something we and others both want and need.

Fortunately, there is no one right way or formula for expressing and receiving affection. That is good news, even if it makes communicating more complicated at times. The kind of affectionate communication you and others desire and need will change at different points in time. It may depend on various factors such as where you are living, cultural background and expectations, the availability of family and friends in your life, past experiences with affectionate communication, and the life stage you are experiencing. Thus, awareness of our own communication needs is important.

Kory Floyd also points out that it is possible and helpful to invite and encourage affection. Affection isn’t anything we can demand. It will likely take patience and paying attention to who our friends' family members are and what they are able to give at any given time. It may be that the others in our lives may not know how to communicate affection or do so in ways we need or desire.

Learning About Affectionate Communication

All of us can learn about affection by observing others’ behaviors. Earlier in my life, I found spending time with friends’ families helpful as I discovered different ways of communicating and being together. Until I did this, I had no idea about the many ways there were to express affection differently than what I had learned at home. Kory Floyd also recommends that you can model the affection you desire and will appreciate—in a way you can teach others how to behave toward you. At the same time, you should be paying attention and learning how to communicate and behave in ways that will support the other people in your life.

Two Affectionate Communication Caveats

While all of this is true, I want to offer two important caveats. First, social psychologist Bella DePaulo who wrote the wonderful book Singled Out and her blog Living Single helps us understand that being alone is not the same as being lonely. Just as you have your own needs for communication and affection, it is important to remember that others will experience these needs in their own unique ways. This includes understanding that others will need more, less, or different forms of communication and connection than you may.

Second, I want to stress that family may not be our only or best source of connection. Communication researcher Jordan Allen interviewed people who were estranged from their families and who believed that being estranged was the healthiest choice for them at the time. I have learned in my own research that some people find close friends or what we call voluntary or chosen family are able to be more understanding and supportive at different life stages.

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Best Practices for Communicating and Expressing Affection

Since we and others in our lives rarely come wearing stickers that clearly tell us how to best communicate, here are some best practices to keep in mind:

• Increase your awareness of your own needs and desires for communication and affection.
• Invite and show others how to communicate with you in ways that will matter.
• Pay attention and learn how to best communicate with others in your life.
• Understand that your own and others’ needs for communication and affection will likely change over time.
• Find those people, whether family or friends, who can best meet your needs for communication and affection and be that person for others.

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