Are Romanticized Expectations Good or Bad for Relationships?

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Do you consider yourself to be a romantic? Do you think one should feel an intense pull toward one's partner? Do you believe that romantic partners should be able to read each other's thoughts? Our culture is full of such romantic beliefs; just watch any romantic comedies: Love conquers all. Each of us has a true soulmate. People fall in love at first sight, etc. You might think that holding such beliefs simply means that you're an optimist about love. Or you may think that these romantic beliefs are destructive, setting you up to be disappointed with every inevitably imperfect relationship.

New research considers how these beliefs relate to the way people feel about their current relationships.^1,2 This research also asks not just about romantic beliefs, but romantic expectations as well. When you think about your own ideal relationship, would it embody those romantic qualities?

First, it’s important to understand the difference between romantic beliefs and romantic expectations. The two are related, but they mean different things and have different implications for relationship satisfaction. For example, holding the romantic belief "Love can happen at first sight" and having the expectation that "In my ideal relationship, it will be love at first sight" are not exactly the same thing. You could strongly believe in love at first sight, but not idealize it for yourself, and vice versa. This new research examines how romantic beliefs, and unmet romantic expectations, relate to the quality of our relationships.

In two papers published this year in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Sarah Vannier at Dalhousie University in Canada and Lucia O’Sullivan of University of New Brunswick examined romantic beliefs and romantic expectations, and how they play out in people's actual relationships.^1,2

The researchers examined four kinds of romantic expectations and beliefs:²

• Connection. "Strong feelings of affinity, communion, and understanding between partners." For example, "I seem to know what my partner is thinking," or, "We always have fun together."
• Passion. "Overwhelming and intense attraction, arousal, and desire to be in close physical proximity to a partner." For example, "I feel a magnetic pull towards my partner," or, "The chemistry between me and my partner is overwhelming."
• Destiny. "Perceptions that a relationship is predestined or will experience few challenges." For example, "We will live happily ever after," or, "My partner is my princess/knight in shining armor."
• Immediacy. "The expectation that romantic feelings between partners should emerge quickly." For example, "I fell in love at first sight," or, "I knew I loved him/her the instant we met."

In the first paper, the researchers surveyed almost 300 young adults, age 18 to 28, involved in committed dating relationships.¹ The respondents were asked to rate the extent to which they held romantic beliefs in the four categories described above. They were then asked to evaluate how much their ideal relationship, their current relationship, and a likely alternative relationship exhibited those romantic qualities.

What are the implications of romantic beliefs for our relationships?

Even though romantic beliefs and romantic expectations were correlated with each other, high levels of romantic beliefs were not associated with unmet romantic expectations, or discrepancies between one's ideal relationship and their current relationship: Holding onto rosy views about the nature of love did not make people feel especially disappointed by their actual relationships. Moreover, romantic beliefs were actually associated with greater relationship satisfaction and commitment and more idealized views of their current partners.

What about romantic expectations?

Romantic expectations themselves were not a problem, but unmet romantic expectations were. That is, large differences between one's current and one's ideal relationship predicted lower satisfaction and commitment.

Interestingly, unmet expectations in the four areas the researchers examined didn't all have the same effects. Unmet expectations for connection, passion, and destiny were problematic. However, unmet expectations for immediacy were associated with greater satisfaction. Perhaps people value their relationships more when love develops over time, even if love at first sight seems more desirable to them.

Also, not all romantic expectations were equally "unrealistic." Many participants reported that their current relationships met, or even exceeded, their ideal expectations. However, of the four categories of expectations, destiny expectations were hardest to match (e.g., "We will live happily ever after").

In the second paper, the researchers examined the role of relationship investments. Investments refer to what you've put into a relationship and what would be lost if the relationship were to end.² This could be time, emotional energy, or other psychological sacrifices — e.g., moving to a new city for your partner's job. Investments also include more tangible things that you would lose if you broke up with your partner, such as mutual friends or an expensive TV that you purchased together.

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The results showed that people with unmet romantic expectations relative to an ideal partner, and especially relative to a possible alternative partner, were less likely to be invested in their relationships, disagreeing with statements such as "I have put a great deal into our relationship that I would lose if the relationship were to end." In particular, unmet expectations for destiny (e.g., "We will live happily ever after") were associated with less investment in the relationship. The authors hypothesized that this might occur because people consciously choose not to invest in a relationship if they believe that other potential partners are more likely to fulfill their romantic expectations.

What does this mean for hopeless romantics?

This research suggests that being a hopeless romantic is actually associated with having more satisfying relationships. Perhaps such individuals are in love with love and see relationships as special and magical, leading them to value their own relationships more. Harboring these beliefs did not make people more disappointed with their current partners, and was actually associated with having happier relationships. However, believing that your ideal relationship should embody these characteristics could make you more disappointed if your partner doesn't live up to the fantasy. So, the danger lies not in being a romantic, but in holding onto romantic ideals that your partner can't meet.

^{Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D., is an associate professor of psychology at Albright College who studies relationships and cyberpsychology. Follow her on Twitter for updates about social psychology, relationships, and online behavior. Read more articles by Dr. Seidman on Close Encounters.}