Fierce Self-Compassion: A Conversation With Kristin Neff

Many of us are our own harshest critics. In times of struggle, we far too easily berate ourselves. I witness this in my work on friendship, as we often judge ourselves for how difficult it can be to make and keep friends as adults.

Dr. Kristin Neff

Source: Dr. Kristin Neff, used with permission.

No one knows more about self-compassion than Kristin Neff, who has spent two decades researching how we can harness self-compassion to create healthier lives and relationships.

I sat down with Neff ahead of the launch of her latest book, Fierce Self Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness To Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive, to discuss how we can cultivate self-compassion and why it's so central to our well-being and relationships, along with our ability to set boundaries, hold ourselves accountable, effect change, and contribute to social justice.

MK: Can you tell us in a few words what self-compassion means to you and what it actually looks like in practice?

KN: The way I often define self-compassion in its most simplest terms is treating yourself like you would treat a close friend you care about. That’s kind of the way people can access most easily.

Instead of feeling sorry for ourselves it’s about recognizing: “Hey, this is part of the human experience. We all go through this. This is normal. And what can I do to help myself to alleviate my suffering as much as possible?”

MK: Why is self-compassion so important for our mental health and well-being?

KN: It’s really interesting because self-compassion equally decreases negative mind states, like shame, depression, and anxiety, and increases positive mind states like life satisfaction, happiness, and hope. Compassion activates the reward centers of our brain when we feel connected, when we feel kind, when we feel loving...when we’re really able to be present.

It’s not like positive thinking, like pretending the pain isn’t there. It accepts the pain is there, but we feel connected: “Okay this is part of life. Everyone feels pain. I’m not alone. How can I be kind to myself?” So you are generating positive emotions as a way of holding or processing. Some people talk about it as a form of emotion regulation.

MK: You mention this idea of connection. How would you say that compassion is linked with the quality and closeness of our relationships?

KN: People who are more self-compassionate have closer relationships. It’s most well-documented in romantic relationships, but we get similar findings with friendships, for instance, or family relationships — that the more compassion that flows inward, the more it can flow outward. It actually gives you the resources you need to be able to maintain close, positive relationships with others.

MK: How does your new book build on your previous work?

KN: It’s been about the last four years, really, that I’ve formulated this idea of fierce and tender self-compassion. There are these two main dimensions.

There's a tender, nurturing, gentle energy that is part of compassion, and I think that is what people think of first — like a parent, or their child, unconditional self-acceptance, kind of comforting and soothing, it allows us to be ourselves as we are, which is very powerful and I really think this is part of the healing power of self-compassion.

But also compassion often means taking action. It means being brave, it means doing something. So for instance, I think the #MeToo movement and the Black Lives Matter movement are self-compassion movements. These are people saying: “No more, I need to protect myself. I’m going to stand up for my rights." And that is absolutely an act of compassion to try and alleviate your suffering.

Fleshing that out, what I like to call the fierce side of self-compassion gives people a term. And then it really helps in terms of understanding how we need both sides to be balanced. Because if we have too much tender self-acceptance without enough fierce action, we become complacent. And that’s not healthy. Or if we’re too fierce and we’re always taking action, we’re striving and we’re fighting but we aren’t tender. If our hearts are closed or we don’t have that kind of emotional connection, then that’s aggressive. And unfortunately, gender role socialization goes directly contrary to our ability to balance these two essential life skills in a way that’s very damaging, both to men and women.

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MK: One thing I hear in my practice and work on friendship is this idea that self-compassion will lead to complacency.

KN: Yeah, research shows it’s actually the number-one block to self-compassion.

MK: That belief is the number-one block?

KN: Yes.

MK: How do you propose people work through this on a practical level?

KN: So there are two forms of motivation. There’s the motivation of fear and the motivation of care. And so most people motivate themselves from a place of fear. They use harsh self-criticism: “I’m going to make it so painful for me that I’m going to do better next time, otherwise I’ll beat myself up.” It’s that really strict, harsh, authoritarian approach with ourselves. And the motivation of care is: “I’m going to try and do better because I care about myself and I want to be happy.”

If you motivated your friend the way you motivate yourself — “You’re such a loser man, you’ll never amount to anything. I hate you” — Is that really going to motivate your friend? Is shame really a great motivator? Of course, we know it’s not. A better motivator is encouragement: “I believe in you. How can I help?” It’s also not compassionate if you say, “Oh that’s fine, don't worry about it,” if there really is a problem because that person may be being harmed and you want to help them.

It’s a truism that failure is our best teacher. But if we think as soon as we’ve failed that "I am a failure," then I’m going to be so filled with shame I am not going to be able to learn from my failure. I won’t be able to focus on it. It’ll be harder for me to own up to it, to see it, to process it, instead of just thinking, “Okay, I failed. That’s okay. Human beings fail. What can I learn from it?” That’s actually going to allow you to grow and to achieve.

MK: What advice would you have for someone who is looking to improve their self-compassion?

KN: I really do think friendship is the best model, because sometimes our romantic partners or our children are too close. We do sometimes feel threatened when they fail or make mistakes. What happens to them happens to us. It’s a little harder to have that perspective. Everyone is different, but for most people I think the context of a close, intimate friendship is the best template for what we want to model for ourselves. Because again there’s some distance, there’s some perspective, there’s a lot of care and intimacy. And they are also voluntary, because friends, if you don’t treat them, then maybe they won't be your friend. Your kids and your partner — I mean, if it’s your partner they might eventually leave but you can get away with more. And that’s why friendship is such a beautiful template for self-compassion. That’s why it’s really interesting, your work, I’d love your thoughts on it, because some people aren’t really good friends.

So ask yourself: If you had a really good friend in the same situation, how would you speak to them? And if it’s different for them than how you’re speaking to yourself, then just try that on as a template.

MK: Is there anything else you’d like us to know about your work and this book?

KN: Self-compassion isn't just an inside job. It’s not just about achieving personal health and well-being. We really have to offer and aim it outward. In other words, social justice, environmental activism, gender equality, all of the difficulties in our world, because we are part of the world, we can’t think of it just as compassion aimed inward. We also need to be active and try to make the world a better place, not only for us but for everyone. And it’s also really hard work to do the work of social activism and social justice. It’s incredibly draining, people are going to blow back and fight against you, and so it’s really important that we move beyond ourselves. It’s important to keep in mind that it’s really about integrating self and others. It’s not self to the exclusion of others.

Learn more about Kristin Neff’s work here.

This interview has been edited for clarity and brevity.