Bonding and Donor Conception

Source: Driller/ Freepik

I purposely did not title this post "genetic grief" because it is crucial to understand that everyone who builds their family using donor conception—meaning they do not pass on their genetics—will experience some form of genetic loss. However, this loss does not always translate to grief.

I once met a woman who said, "If I bake a cake with a Betty Crocker mix or from scratch, it will taste the same." In contrast, I worked with another woman who struggled every step of the way. It took her a long time to accept using donor eggs, and then an equally long time to choose a donor. Throughout her pregnancy, she felt disconnected from her growing baby. After giving birth to twins, she even needed to rename one of them to fully embrace her role as their parent. I have also met individuals who ultimately decided they would rather not become parents at all than use donor conception.

In research I presented at the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, I studied same-sex female couples and their preferences regarding genetic connections in conception. The previous year, I had presented a paper on how same-sex male couples desired to use the genetics of both partners to conceive. My colleagues and I were intrigued that same-sex female couples did not express the same desire, so we set out to explore why. Our research found that some women strongly desired a genetic connection, others prioritized carrying the pregnancy, and some simply looked forward to parenting without a preference for either. Women had two pathways to forming a connection—through genetics or pregnancy—whereas men had only one. The key takeaway: it wasn’t necessarily about genetics, but rather about the desire to feel a connection.

This helps explain why moving to donor conception can be emotionally complex. We all want to bond with our children, but what that bond looks like varies. Some people choose a donor with their mother’s dimples to try to maintain a resemblance. Others long for a genetic link. Some are drawn to the experience of pregnancy. And many simply want to nurture and love a child, regardless of genetics.

The only “right” way to feel about this process is your way. There are many loud voices on the internet making sweeping claims about genetic grief and loss. But after nearly three decades of working with thousands of recipients, donors, and donor-conceived individuals, I can confidently say that people’s experiences differ.

Are there commonalities? Yes—two are especially important.

1. Feelings change over time. Just as people grow and evolve, so do their emotions. Nature equips us with nurturing instincts and sweet babies that help us bond. In all my years of practice, even in cases where parents initially struggled to accept donor conception or had difficulty bonding, I have never seen a parent fail to form a deep bond with their child.
2. Over time, the love you have for your child overshadows concerns about genetics. This doesn’t mean you’ll never wish your child had your blue eyes. Or that, when someone in the supermarket says your daughter looks exactly like you, you won’t feel a little pang. Many parents experience these fleeting moments. But overwhelmingly, their love for their child becomes the dominant feeling.

Could you be someone who experiences intense genetic grief? Yes. The idea of using someone else’s genetics to build your family may feel unbearable, or you may need to process and grieve before you reach acceptance. What’s most important is that you don’t feel pressured to think or feel a certain way—there is no “right” way to navigate this transition.

Your journey will be unique, and you get to decide what is right for you. And if you do choose non-genetic parenthood, you will experience the beautiful and evolving transformation from patient to parent.