In Defense of Praise

Back in April, I wrote a post in defense of (the right) punishments. Now I’m back to defend praise. Praise has gotten some really bad press and is on the parenting behavior chopping block. Sweeping claims in popular media that praise is “bad” have well-intentioned parents stopping themselves from cheering their children on for fear of ruining their child’s motivation, making their child into an approval junkie, manipulating their child, or creating pressure to perform for their child.

I feel like I can’t keep quiet when the internet is all abuzz with parenting “don’ts” that aren’t directly supported by the decades of parenting research. Research shows that, while praise doesn’t immediately change young children’s behavior (Owen, Slep, Heyman, 2009; Owen, Slep, Heyman, 2012), it teaches children about what behaviors are desirable, makes them feel good about themselves, and increases interest in tasks. So, praising your child for putting their dirty clothes in the hamper, bringing their sibling a Band-Aid when they get cut, or saying “please” when asking for more milk can all help your child feel good and increase their desire to do that behavior again.

Good Praise

In fairness, all praise is not created equal. There’s good praise, and there’s bad praise. Here is what we know about what good praise looks like:

Source: Nicola Barts / Pexels

• Specific (about the behavior)
• Focuses on process or effort (not outcomes)
• Encourages good decisions and appropriately autonomous behavior
• Focuses on themselves (doesn’t compare them) and something that they can control

When parents throw out a generic “Good job!” it doesn’t do much. That’s because it doesn’t typically have much meaning. The more specific parents are when they give praise, the more kids can know what they did well to try to repeat that in the future. Being able to repeat the action or decision is key. Specificity of praise lets kids know exactly what parents are encouraging. To that end, when your child makes a good assist in a basketball game, “Good job using your dribbling skills and passing to your teammate when she was open” is much more effective than “Good job!”

Here’s why it’s important to focus on effort or process, not outcomes. Kids can’t guarantee a win or even a goal at a sports event, but kids can show up with a positive attitude, participate actively, and cheer for their teammates. Kids can’t be sure to perform their part flawlessly in the show, but they can learn their lines and practice the hard parts, so they’re ready for each performance. Kids can’t control whether they’re smart, but they can work hard on an assignment, activity, or game. When parents notice kids’ efforts for things they can control, kids feel good about trying and put in more effort in the future. Encouraging toddlers with positive feedback about their effort, was related to those kids believing they could impact their outcomes on tasks 5 years later. Carol Dweck focused on praising effort in schools and explained that praise focused on effort can benefit kids' motivation and effort.

On the topic of effort, praising kids for trying something new, taking on a challenge, or doing something (safe/good for them) that they haven’t wanted to do before, are good ways to encourage good decision-making and autonomy. When parents praise kids for making a good decision or doing something well, it helps kids build confidence and belief in themselves.

And the good news is most praise doesn’t mess up kids, manipulate them, or cause them to lose their intrinsic motivation. However, there are ways that parents can praise that are ineffective or problematic.

Bad Praise

These examples of bad praise include:

• Generic praise (Good job! Nice!)
• Praise regarding fixed characteristics that kids can’t change (e.g., intelligence)
• Excessive praise (too much praise)
• Over-inflated praise (making too big of a deal praising)
• Disingenuous praise (praise that’s not a match for reality)

Parents can definitely overdo it with praise. That’s one way that praise can become problematic. If every positive action or decision a child makes and everything they produce gets heavily praised, kids can come to expect or even depend on praise (rather than believing in themselves). Furthermore, when parents praise excessively, kids may think that they should always be praised and feel like they’ve done badly when they’re not. Just like anything overdone, praise may also start to lose its meaning when it happens too often or for inconsequential reasons.

When parents overinflate praise, it can intimidate kids because they may feel like they have to compete with their previously lauded work of art or performance. Some kids start to avoid tasks or creative endeavors that parents have heavily praised because of the pressure the praise can create. The child may feel like they won’t do as well as last time, so they don’t try. Or they’re not in the mood to try to create another masterpiece; they just want to draw a picture but feel like they have to perform. Perfectionistic kids are especially at risk of parental praise feeling like pressure because the attention makes them think they need to work even harder the next time. Instead of encouraging kids, this can cause kids to give up.

Source: Cottonbro / Pexels

Another praise pitfall that parents get caught in is giving disingenuous praise. When parents appropriately praise their children, kids feel good because they believe the positive feedback to be true. But when a child makes a colorful drawing that vaguely resembles what they intended, and parents go on and on about what talent their child has, kids can feel cheated by the saccharine quality of the praise (especially if they themselves know that the praise is more than is deserved). Kids may hesitate to do that same thing (drawing a picture) in the future because they don’t want insincere praise, regardless of how well-intentioned it is.

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So, should parents give up on praise altogether?

Definitely not!

Specific, effort-focused praise about oneself that encourages good choices by kids is the good kind of praise that’s good for kids. Kids internalize positive feedback from adults and use it to encourage themselves. It helps to form their inner voice. Encouraging and praising kids about things that they can control gives them feedback about how they’re doing, helps them feel good about themselves, and keeps them interested in tasks. Praise can be great when done the right way.