Happiness
Why It's Hard for Adults to Make New Friends
Relocating and want to tear your hair out?
Posted October 5, 2010
Lucy stood on the schoolhouse steps, biting her lip. It felt like a gerbil was lodged in her abdomen, and like her heart would beat out of her chest. "Stop being so nervous," Lucy told herself. "You'll be ok. It's just school."
Lucy was 39 years old. "School" was an open house for parents.
Just weeks before, Lucy and her family had relocated from a large city to a rural town where the cost of living was more manageable. The kids seemed to be taking it in stride; her daughters liked the girls in the after school gymnastics club, and her son made a new bff, a classmate who shared his passion for "Star Wars." Same for Lucy's husband, Paul, who spent most of his day at the office--or commuting back and forth--his transition was seamless.
The move was by all accounts hardest for Lucy, a stay at home mom who had to leave friends, volunteer posts, and the comfort of her city apartment and old stomping grounds.
"It might take several years for an adult to become acclimated to a new living situation," notes Valerie Golden, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Minneapolis. "Not only does a person need to develop new daily routines, but also new relationships, and those new relationships take time," she says.
No one ever said moving was easy. One Georgia woman still cringes when describing her move from the northeastern city in which she had grown up: "my husband was always working, and the kids were at school--and I was left to navigate the new situation alone. Every road was unfamiliar, all the stores carried different brands, and I had no idea about which doctor, or even, dry cleaner, to choose. Worst of all, everyone at church seemed to be part of a clique. They were friendly enough, but many did not seem to have time, energy, or interest in new friendships... It took nine years for it to feel like home."
While those who relocate to start a new job have their own set of challenges, such as adjustment to a new environment, new routines, and a new workplace, those who move but remain in the new home to work or take care of children, seem to have the most difficult adjustment. They are prone to feelings of isolation and loneliness because they are often by themselves and without the company of old friends and supports.
Recalls one twenty nine year old professional who had to give up the career she loved in order to relocate with her spouse: "My husband took a job in Asia-and I was furious. I went, of course, but it felt like he was moving ahead and I was stymied. I had to leave a job I loved and I didn't speak the new country's language, so I couldn't work at all. I felt completely alone, and very resentful--it took a toll on our relationship."
A writer in his mid thirties who works mostly from home, describes similar feelings of isolation following a move cross country so his wife could pursue graduate study: "I'd wake up and look out the window and everything seemed so strange and unfamiliar. I was used to a different climate, and I missed seeing people, cars, and buildings. When I went to the window there was nothing for miles. Every time I looked outside I'd think: where the heck am I?"
Whether you are staying at home with kids, working from home, or both--and even if you have a job in the new town--if you are planning a move, here are some ways to ease the transition:
Give it time. "Two to three years is not uncommon," says Dr. Golden. "Adults' lives are complicated. For a child, making one new friend can make all the difference. Adults have to adjust to a new job, community, house of worship, and make new friends," she says. "The transition can take time."
Join up: churches, synagogues, local community groups all have newcomers' events.
Keep in touch with old friends and visit, if possible. If not: text, text, text, and call or e-mail as much as you can.
Get involved: Embrace the new community, help organize the harvest celebration, or volunteer at the local animal shelter--great ways to meet people and do a good deed at the same time.
Go back to school-or to your children's school--and boost your skills, then consider getting a part time job. No one ever complained about having a little extra cash.
Take up a hobby. Many a strong tie was forged at the local knitting shop or book club.
Have patience. It will get better.