Resentment: Death by a Thousand Cuts

Although usually understandable and justified, the ironic tragedy of resentment is that it renders us powerless over our well-being. Those we resent live rent-free in our heads, hijacking thoughts, and contaminating feelings. It’s the most self-eroding of prolonged emotional states.

Resentment increases inflammation and thereby contributes to physical symptoms — rashes, headaches, stomach aches, muscle aches, coughs, colds, and minor and serious infections. Chronically resentful people are often in poor health, depressed, or anxious.

But resentment did not evolve to be harmful. The function of resentment is to focus attention on something wrong so we’ll improve it. The natural motivation of painful emotions is to do something that will heal, correct, and improve.

We get stuck in resentment by focusing on how bad the problem or situation is. Instead of improving it, we choose to devalue someone else, at least in our heads.

Self-Righteousness

We strongly believe we’re right when resentful, in large part because we can’t see other perspectives. The harsh judgments that underlie resentment shut out most information; what it lets in is laden with projections and confirmation bias. We sacrifice improving, correcting, and healing for self-righteousness.

What keeps us stuck:

• Recurrent thoughts
• Looking for more “evidence”
• Justifying
• Hyper-sensitivity to disappointment

Resentment features an obsessive quality. Those who suffer from it replay injuries over and over in their heads. Each resentful thought likely increases cortisol and bad feelings, making offenses seem as if they happened a thousand times.

Due to state-dependent recall, we’re likely to remember other perceived offenses when we are resentful. This creates a misleading impression that we’ve always been treated unfairly and always will be. It can lead to a preemptive mindset, in which we’ll treat others unfairly because they will do the same to us if they haven't already.

We’re also prone to interpret less serious events of the past through the lens of present resentment. This tendency causes delayed-action resentment. That is, we resent past events that didn’t seem all that bad at the time.

Another irony about resentment lies in its function to protect us from disappointment by lowering expectations. When we’re resentful toward partners, we’ve already decided that they will let us down; they’re unfair and/or irresponsible. The negative reaction that resentment nearly always provokes in family members compounds disappointment. People resent being resented.

All the above facilitate the accumulative nature of resentment, which, in families, forms a self-linking chain, with each new perceived offense linked to past offenses.

How do I resent thee? Let me count the ways. (Apologies to Elizabeth Barret Browning.)

Resentment signals problems that we need to resolve or reframe. Yet, it is a self-defeating vehicle for resolution and reframing. It's inherently devaluing and rigid in perspective. When we don’t act on the motivation to heal, correct, or improve, resentment no longer signals a problem, it becomes the problem.

Recurrent Thoughts

You might wonder why so many people put themselves through the ordeal of repeatedly thinking about perceived offenses. They’re not gluttons for punishment. They fall into the trap of justifying their resentment, mainly to themselves.

There is a natural urge to justify resentment, especially resentment of loved ones. Because devaluing loved ones violates our deeper values, we need to justify it. The more we justify it, the stronger it gets, until it seems chronic.

Chronic resentment is that which becomes conditioned with disappointment or discomfort. One description of a conditioned response is a highly reinforced neuronal pathway that bypasses conscious judgment. By the time we're aware of resentment, it's in an advanced stage, where it is more likely to direct conscious attention than be modified by it.

Relationships Essential Reads

3 Signs of a Toxic Communicator

3 Ways to Become a More Confident Partner

To overcome the habit of resentment, each resentful thought must have an answer that will form a different neuronal sequence in the brain.

Resentful thought: “That was so unfair.”

Instead of looking for evidence of unfairness, focus on improving the situation.

Empowering Answer: “This is what I will do to negotiate a fairer solution.”

Resentment leads to negative projections, which are typically oversimplified and inaccurate.

Resentful thought: “All he thinks about is himself.”

Empowering Answer: “This is how I’ll behave according to my deeper values.”

Never justify what you want to change.

Resentful thought: “These are just some of the reasons her behavior is wrong and unfair....”

Empowering Answer: “These are reasons to focus on healing and improving.”

Disappointment requires self-regulation.

Resentful thought: “He’s so disappointing.”

Empowering Answer: “I’m disappointed, but I’m okay.”

Compassionate interpretations strengthen family relationships.

Resentful thought: “My partner’s a nag.”

Empowering Answer: “My partner feels unheard. I need to listen better.”