Sex and Resentment

When resentment is high in committed relationships, the sex life fades. To have a good sex life, we need to let down defenses, and resentment doesn’t let us do that. The sex won’t be frequent enough or satisfying enough to suit both partners.

My best friend, a sex therapist, assures me that there are also physical reasons for a poor sex life. I certainly trust her expertise, but in my nearly half a century of experience with couples, this has been the rule: When partners resolve resentment, the erection comes back, the lubrication returns, and desire reignites.

It’s not just the sex life that fades with resentment; it’s all areas of intimacy. Sex stands out from other expressions of intimacy because the bedroom has a scoreboard. You know how many times you’ve had sex (Home 14, Visitors 0). My colleague calls it the 85/15 phenomenon in marital satisfaction. If the marriage is good, 15 percent of reasons people give is a good sex life, but if it’s bad, 85 percent will cite a bad sex life. So how can it have such a negative effect when it’s bad and hardly any effect when it’s good?

I think it’s a function of the scoreboard. When the relationship is good, you’re having many expressions of intimacy, like sharing experiences and talking to each other, not at each other. You’re touching more, making more eye contact, and hugging more. When all areas of intimacy are up, sex is just another good thing. But when resentment is chronic, all other areas of intimacy decline, and the scoreboard effect makes the diminished sex life stand out.

When resentment is chronic, it becomes part of an automatic defense system. We see ourselves as victims and our partners as perpetrators. Resentment eventually leads to contempt, which puts the relationship in the intensive care unit—left on its own, without heroic intervention, it will die.

Resentment is an attribution of blame: I feel bad, and it’s your fault. Maintaining resentment requires continual doses of blame, denial, and avoidance, which are coping tactics that begin in toddlerhood. In the adult brain, we try to improve, appreciate, connect, and protect.

As soon as we start to improve rather than blame, appreciate rather than deny, or connect and protect rather than avoid, the resentment begins to resolve.

Your partner might have caused your resentment, but a change in your partner’s behavior won’t ameliorate it. Once it’s part of your defense system, you’ll resent your partner’s improvement because it didn’t happen sooner:

“All those years I wasted, and now you become a good person!”

Regardless of what caused it, you’ve got to replace your resentment with your core value—your ability to create value and meaning in your life, which is more important than everything you resent.

Core value is the immune system of the self, protecting you from emotional pathogens. When core value is high, you see other people’s behavior as a reflection of how they feel. If they’re rude to you, you understand that they’re not in their core value, and you don’t feel devalued by it. But when core value is low, you’re likely to interpret anything that’s not positive as a deep insult. You’ll be more demanding of your partner because it feels like there’s a hole within you, which your partner must fill.

If you perceive yourself to have a hole within that someone else has to fill, you’re likely to find a partner with a small cup to fill it. That’s because people with big cups—a lot of love to give—are looking for other big cups, so they can get as much as they give. People with small cups—not much love to give—look for potential partners who think they have big holes and will settle for what little they have to give.

Core value fills your holes and lets compassion, kindness, and love pour out of you. Instead of needing a big cup from someone else, you become a big cup and are more likely to attract others who are equally compassionate, kind, and loving.