Positive Illusions Protect Couples From Insecurity

Candles

Source: Jill Wellington / pixabay / Used with permission.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, you may be thinking about how to celebrate with your romantic partner (or partners)—going out dancing, buying their favourite flowers, or making a special meal. These thoughtful gestures might bring some momentary joy to your relationship, but perhaps this Valentine’s Day is a chance to think about how to keep your relationship happy in the long run. It may be that something as simple as seeing the best in your partner can overcome relationship insecurity and might do more to ensure lasting satisfaction than spending a lot of money on one night out.

Our research and that of many others shows that people who are insecure experience a lot of challenges in their relationship. They may have more doubts about their partner’s love, be reluctant to share their deepest emotions, have perpetual problems, or feel unsure how to best support each other through tough times.

Consider Mei and Derek (a couple based on the combined experiences of several research participants in our study), who were engaged and very much in love. Mei had high attachment anxiety so she worried about whether Derek would always love her and pestered him for reassurance. In contrast, Derek was more avoidant and felt uncomfortable getting emotionally close or feeling vulnerable with Mei. Their insecurity sometimes got in the way of intimacy because Derek would withdraw from Mei when she seemed worried, which only intensified her fears and made him feel like his love wasn’t enough. Insecurity can often weaken a relationship between two people even when they care deeply about each other.

Attachment Security in Relationships

Many people experience insecurity in their relationship, and it can lead to unhappiness in the moment and long term. But it is still possible to have a happy relationship, even if you sometimes (or often) feel insecure. In observational studies where couples were video recorded helping each other with stressors, having a supportive partner lessened the negative effect of people’s insecurity on relationship satisfaction. In other words, the more reassuring, warm, and validating a partner was, the less likely the couple was to become unhappy even if they were insecure. Even though people sometimes worry about being vulnerable or doubt their partner’s love, these feelings don’t have to get in the way of being good partners and having a flourishing relationship.

Positive Illusions of Romantic Partners

But is it only how partners behave towards each other that matters? You might wonder if there are other ways to protect a relationship from insecurity. We studied how romantic partners see each other. For example, Mei and Derek have what are called positive illusions, which protect their relationship. Positive illusions are exaggerated positive views of others, often referred to as seeing others through “rose-coloured glasses.”

Mei is a pretty caring person, and she does small things like putting gas in Derek’s car when she knows he has a busy week or listening to his work problems even when she’s had a bad day too. Derek raves to friends about how loving and understanding she is. Derek sees Mei as even more caring than she would describe herself, and even more caring than her friends and family would describe her. Derek’s view of Mei isn’t completely inaccurate or out of touch with reality, but it is an amplification of his regard for her, which is a positive illusion.

Having positive illusions may allow partners to weather natural relationship ups and downs. Positive illusions are related to longer and happier relationships and relationship stability. But what if partners are insecure? Will positive illusions still matter? We published a study with almost 200 newlywed couples to examine just this question.

Positive Illusions About Perspective-Taking Buffer Insecurity

Couples completed surveys multiple times over the first two years of their marriage and rated their attachment security, marital satisfaction, and positive illusions. Although you can have positive illusions about any partner quality, we focused on positive illusions about perspective-taking because believing you are married to a partner who really understands your thoughts and feelings is an important part of a satisfying relationship.

Unsurprisingly, couples who had positive illusions also had happier relationships. The more spouses saw the best in their partner and believed that their partner was understanding, the more satisfied they both were in their relationship. The opposite was also true: Spouses who did not have positive illusions, or those who had negative illusions—seeing their partner in a more negative light than was true—were less happy in their relationship.

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Positive illusions also sometimes buffered the negative effects of spouses’ insecurity. Although wives’ positive illusions did not protect relationships from insecurity, husbands’ positive illusions did. The more husbands saw their wives in a positive light, the less powerfully their attachment avoidance affected the couples’ marital satisfaction. Perhaps when husbands are uncomfortable sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings, believing their wife is really understanding is a relief. They might think, “My partner gets who I am without me having to say much,” even if this perception is not entirely true. The belief that they are with an insightful partner may mean that husbands are kinder during arguments, and they may not feel the need to distance themselves emotionally from their wives, which also makes their wives happier.

What does this mean for Mei and Derek? As they both have positive illusions about their partner’s perspective-taking, Derek’s emotional distance will not make them unhappy in the moment and should prevent him from becoming unhappy. However, positive illusions may not shield the couple from the negative effects of Mei’s neediness.

The Downsides of Positive Illusions

You might now be wondering are downsides to positive illusions? Surely having “illusions” about others isn’t always desirable? Well, you might be right. There were some unexpected results in our study: Husbands’ attachment anxiety and wives’ attachment avoidance made their relationships even more distressing down the road when husbands had positive illusions. The gendered pattern—positive illusions worsening the effects of husbands’ attachment anxiety and women’s attachment avoidance—may be related to how people are socialized. In Western culture, gender norms dictate that emotional distance and self-reliance are more typical for men than women, and that women should be more concerned about emotional intimacy than men. For individuals who violate these gender norms, thinking your partner sees right through you to these vulnerabilities and emotional weak points could be threatening.

Keep Your Rose-Coloured Glasses on in Your Relationship

Now that we know positive illusions have their limits, should we toss out our “rose-coloured glasses”? Absolutely not! Our research and that of many others suggest that positive illusions foster happiness in relationships. We encourage you to put on your rose-coloured glasses for Valentine’s Day and every other day of the year. Develop your positive illusions by seeing the best in your partners and don’t second guess whether they truly get you. Positive illusions may protect your relationship in turbulent times and shield you from insecurity, especially when husbands are uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability.

Co-authored with Richard Rigby, MA, who is completing his PhD in Clinical Psychology at Simon Fraser University. His research focuses on positive illusions and helping couples communicate effectively to ensure a satisfying relationship.