Self-Compassion Can Reduce the Sting of Sexual Problems

Co-authored with Richard Rigby, MA, and Jessica Ferreria, MA.

Sexual problems can cause couples distress and anxiety

Source: wayhomestudent/freepik

Do you worry about your performance in the bedroom? Being kinder to yourself might be one way to improve your sex life. Perhaps you’ve experienced low sexual desire, difficulty staying aroused, or unwanted pain during sex. Even if these problems are not frequent or severe, they may make you worry or interfere with your sexual enjoyment.

Amir and Julia have been facing problems just like this. They are a young couple who have been happily married for three years, but Amir sometimes has problems keeping his erection during sex. Problems like this can be upsetting and make people fear that the problem is abnormal and might get worse. Julia has noticed that Amir doesn’t seem to stay aroused like he used to, and she wonders if Amir is no longer attracted to her. These thoughts are upsetting for Julia and Amir and their uncertainties distract them during sex, which only makes the problem worse. These worries and fears have a negative effect on the couples’ sex life, and they don’t know how to fix the problem.

Research on how people cope with general life problems suggests that self-compassion might be a useful strategy for Amir and Julia. Self-compassion is about being kind to yourself when you recognize your flaws, encounter challenges, or perhaps when you make mistakes. It is about realizing that you are human, and you aren’t perfect—just like everyone else. Self-compassion also means accepting negative feelings without being overwhelmed by them and letting them go. This last part of self-compassion will sound familiar, as it is a type of mindfulness.

Unfortunately, researchers don’t yet know much about how self-compassion might help with problems in the sexual domain. But one study does suggest that it can be useful—women with vaginal pain during intercourse were less distressed when they and their partners were more self-compassionate (Santerre-Baillargeon et al., 2018). To learn more about how to help couples with distress about sexual problems, we studied self-compassion in 125 married mixed-sex couples (Ferreira et al., 2020). We asked couples about their general levels of self-compassion, and then had them complete questionnaires about sexual problems and satisfaction every day for three weeks.

Results from our research suggest that husbands and wives who had high self-compassion generally reported happier sex lives. Also, on days when husbands and wives were distressed about sexual problems, they and their partner were less sexually satisfied. But does self-compassion help when distressing sexual problems occur? Our study suggests that if Amir had more self-compassion, his unhappiness and fears about his sexual issues might not have such a negative effect on his sex life. In our study, husbands who were distressed about sexual problems were dissatisfied with their sexual relationship, but the connection between distress and sexual satisfaction was weaker when husbands were more self-compassionate. These results suggest that if Amir were more self-compassionate about his erectile problem, it might not have the power to dampen his enthusiasm and enjoyment of sexual activity with Julia.

Although self-compassion buffers negative effects of distress about sexual problems on sexual satisfaction for men, we were surprised that this was not the case for women. Being more self-compassionate didn’t change whether wives’ distress affected their sexual satisfaction. Perhaps women are more comfortable seeking support outside their marriage and more likely to talk to friends about problems than are men. In other words, women may have other ways of coping and may not need self-compassion to overcome challenges. Society also puts more burden on men than on women to perform sexually and to satisfy their partner, perhaps making self-compassion really critical for men to overcome anxieties about sexual performance.

At this point, you might be thinking that self-compassion sounds like a pretty good strategy, especially for men. But you also might wonder if self-compassion is just giving up or letting yourself off the hook without solving the sexual problems. There might be some truth to that idea, at least when it comes to how partners’ self-compassion affected each other. In our study, the more self-compassionate husbands were, the more their distress about sexual problems negatively affected their wives’ sexual satisfaction. So, if Amir were really self-compassionate about his erectile problems, it might mean that Julia would be even less happy about their sex life than if Amir weren’t self-compassionate.

This seems counter to what we might expect, but there is research that might explain our findings. Men who are very self-compassionate are less motivated to change or solve problems (Baker & McNulty, 2011). In other words, they may let themselves off the hook. Amir’s self-compassion might help him to manage his distress about his erectile problem, but that might mean he is also not that interested in trying to resolve the difficulty. Julia may still be concerned, and Amir’s lack of action might leave her feeling dissatisfied, either because Amir’s problems continue to interfere with her sexual enjoyment or because she is frustrated and disappointed that he doesn’t seem as concerned as her.

This is an important cautionary tale for people who are good at being self-compassionate. Taking action even if you are being kind to yourself is an important next step to ensure a satisfying sexual relationship for you and your partner. If Amir becomes more self-compassionate, he needs to remember that he also needs to take action, perhaps by talking to Julia or his doctor.

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Self-compassion has benefits, but maybe you are the kind of person who finds it difficult to be kind to yourself. You might be thinking that self-compassion is something you are born with and is a talent that you don’t have. We have seen many clients in therapy who are tough on themselves when they make mistakes or have imperfections and don’t believe they can be kind to themselves. The good news is that research suggests you can teach yourself to be self-compassionate, it just takes a little practice.

To get you started on your self-compassion journey, know that you are not alone if you are experiencing sexual problems. Around 40% of women and 30% of men will have sexual issues during their lifetime. Everyone has concerns and imperfections, and it may be reassuring to know many people deal with similar sexual issues. We suggest that you practice acknowledging your emotions about the issue and talk or write to yourself about it from the perspective of an unconditionally loving and accepting friend. Imagine what this friend would say about your struggles and how they would convey compassion towards you. If you are looking for more self-compassion practice, check out some ideas from Dr. Kristin Neff, an expert on self-compassion.

Self-compassion may help you feel better about your problems, but keep in mind it will probably not solve them. Being self-compassionate doesn’t mean giving up or not working on issues in your relationship. However, by increasing your self-compassion, you may feel safer talking about these issues with your partner. If you remember that you are not alone, that it makes you human to experience concerns, it might make it easier for you and your partner to actively solve the problem together. To improve your sex life, you may have to work on being more self-compassionate, but don’t lose your motivation to make changes that will improve your sexual relationship.

Richard Rigby and Jessica Ferreira are Ph.D. students in the clinical psychology program at Simon Fraser University. They study how couples can maintain and improve their relationship and sexual satisfaction.