If you have a mate who is willing to share personal information about himself, whether it’s positive or negative, he’s letting you in on his world. It doesn’t have to be a big reveal to create intimacy. He might just tell you he ran into an acquaintance unexpectedly. Or it could be heavier, such as the loss of a very close relative or friend, or a different kind of life-changing event, such as a new career opportunity. It’s not the information that makes the difference, but how you react to it. Your response gives him clues on how much support, love, caring, and affection he can expect from you; it also predicts the success of a relationship.
Responding or not responding doesn’t mean saying something or saying nothing. There are subtle cues of communication.
He says: “I ran into Jane on the street.”
Responsive: “Wow. It’s been a long time. What’s she up to?”
Unresponsive: “Oh, that’s nice.”
He says: “The cab driver I had today was so rude. He was honking at other cars and yelling out curses!”
Responsive: “That behavior is completely uncalled for!”
Unresponsive: “Well, you should have just gotten out and walked the rest of the way.”
He says: “I’m so angry at the way I was treated by my boss.”
Responsive: “It’s entirely understandable why you feel that way. Anyone would be upset if they were treated that way.”
Unresponsive: “Don’t get angry about it—it’s just a waste of energy. I would just let it roll off my back.”
Remember, you also express support through your body language. For example:
I’ll wager that less-than-responsive moments are probably flitting through your mind right now. Why would I assume that? Because everyone—and I mean everyone—has junctures when they are not shining beacons of responsiveness. So if you’re cringing and mentally drubbing yourself for being unresponsive and missing windows of connection, lighten up. It’s just not possible to be completely responsive and receptive 100 percent of the time. You’re human, right? Well, humans don’t always smile; sometimes they forget themselves and roll their eyes; occasionally they sit back rather than lean in; and they blunder from time to time when it’s their moment to be a reassuring, engaged partner or friend.
And that’s okay. We are all going to miss the responsiveness boat sometimes. There may even be periods of time in life when we’ve been really unresponsive; those missed boats resembled megafleets. The gist is that no matter whether you’ve been just a little unresponsive or a whole lot, every moment presents you with a new opening to do something different and make a new choice.
So when you think about moments of responsiveness, try looking toward your present rather than your past. Remind yourself that you are in today, in your own right now, and that this is the only place where you have the power to do anything. If you miss a boat of opportunity to be responsive to your partner in one moment (and you inevitably will), rest assured that another one will almost always come before long to give you another shot.
How can you start being more responsive in your relationship today? The good news is that you have a cornucopia of avenues to choose from. Below are a few examples to think about. You may choose to put all of these to use, or a just a couple of them. Depending on the situation, some ways may feel more appropriate or useful than others. But no matter which of these approaches catches your eye, I hope that you’ll give yourself the freedom (and the patience—it’s all about practice) to play with responsiveness and find what resonates with you!
Reprinted with permission from IF WE’RE TOGETHER, WHY DO I FEEL SO ALONE? by Holly Parker from New American Library, copyright 2017.