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Do married people age more happily than their single counterparts? Marriage and commitment are no panacea, and they can be one couple’s living hell just as much as another couple’s heaven on earth. For example, some people are capable of being part of a marriage but opt to remain single for any number of reasons. In these cases, people are doing what fits best for them. Other people are hard-wired to be part of a committed relationship and to marry, and they learn early on how to sync with another person in ways that are fulfilling and gratifying. Although nobody’s lives are perfect, their lives are enriched by marriage.
Still, there are other people who do not have a history of happy relating, and yet find themselves coupled in later years. Timing, readiness, loneliness, or loss of career, status, and community can all impact a person’s willingness to invest in and give time to a relationship in later life. Likewise, regret over lost opportunities and recognition of real need can motivate people with a history of failed relationships to step into their older years with more to give others who come into their lives “in the right place and at the right time.” Certainly, circumstances and opportunities come at all stages of life, and older adults who find one another can indeed increase their happiness.
Consider Amy and Fred. They married 13 years ago, at age 68 and 69, respectively. Amy had been divorced for more than 25 years when she met Fred and was well adjusted to single life. Her world was filled with family, work, friends, and her faith. Fred was newly widowed after a long marriage to his high-school sweetheart. After her death, he says, he felt like "a depressed and dying fish out of water.” Amy and Fred met at a diabetic support group meeting. Amy was initially hesitant to respond to Fred’s interest. She was uncomfortable and out of practice making small talk. However, she let her guard down enough to accept his dinner invitation and the rest is history.
Fred often says of Amy, "She saved my life. Before I met her I was miserable, spending my days on the recliner, waiting for the day that I would move to ‘Happy Acres.’” (Fred’s idea of a retirement home community.) Fred is clearly crazy about Amy.
While Amy has many loving memories of her first marriage, it was fraught with painful challenges. Although her walls protected her from re-experiencing that kind of pain, she was able to let them down just enough to get to know Fred. Now she couldn’t be happier. Amy loves Fred and loves hearing him gush over her. They share a devotion to their families, a strong faith, and a giving spirit. Fortunately for them, they are both not only capable, but eager givers. This has made their time together most fulfilling. Their physical health is not optimal, but their mutual care provides for a quality of life many would love to have. Amy and Fred’s lives are happy because they both know how to care about each other.
Amy and Fred come to my mind from time to time, particularly when I see one or both persons in a relationship who are not "givers" - when one or both members of a couple need life to be their way, when someone refuses to make their partner a priority or belittles the other person with sarcastic humor, passive-aggressive comments, or out-and-out hostility.
Many factors influence longevity, health, and quality of life. Counselors can help struggling couples develop constructive relational qualities of compassion, generosity, appreciation, and committed love. When people choose to give, and are able to do so freely, possibilities open up. Committed couples can improve their quality of life by exercising choices that are within their control. These include:
- Be a giver. Life is not guaranteed and each day matters. When people treat each other with respect, care, and consideration—when they "give” to one another in meaningful ways—it enriches each person’s quality of life.
- Give to yourself, too. If you don’t, you may eventually resent the people you love.
- Listen to your partner. Don’t interpret the merits of a discussion or a request using your own filter. Listening well communicates that your partner matters.
- Notice what you say to your partner. What is your tone of voice when you speak to your partner? Do you focus on the positives more than the negatives? Do you talk to your partner—about the weather, a shared interest, or how lucky you are that he or she is alive, well, and in your life? You don’t necessarily have to say this often or in a way foreign to your style. Just communicate appreciation and affection so the other person feels it.
- Practice self-discipline. Frustration is a part of life. How do you manage it? If you feel irritation toward your partner, do you pull away? Do you shut down? If you can’t bring yourself to treat someone well, take responsibility and do something about it. Blaming them in your head for your actions and taking it out on them can be abusive, and is bad for anyone’s health.
- Deal with your irritability. Your buttons can be pushed for all sorts of reasons. Deal with your feelings so they don’t overpower you.
- Breathe—and consider the other person’s context and perspective. Take a breath, clear your mind to make room for a bigger picture, and consider the experience of your partner. This may add perspective to the situation and foster heightened compassion. Compassion, for self and others, is a good thing.
No one is exempt from the problems of life. At its best, however, marriage brings people comfort, joy, love, and fun. When two people give to one another, both focusing on the needs of the other, truly listening to what the other has to say, and not only sacrifice, but also take care of their own needs, they are investing in what will hopefully be a fulfilling life together.
