Female friendships have always been the most precarious relationships in my life. Recently, I was looking through an old album and wasn't even able to remember some of the names of girls I used to believe were my best friends. While this is indeed sad (or perhaps, another sign suggesting early onset Alzheimer's), it is also a testament to the reality that true female friendships are extremely difficult to find and maintain. Stop wasting time and energy on fake companionship. Here's a list of a few types of buds to avoid-- you know, girls that are more suited for nightmares than pants sharing.
The Crazy Bitch
We all know a crazy bitch-- she's the one who screamed at you (and consequently defriended you) for purchasing a similar birthday cake to hers. In fact, the police caught her just as she was about to set fire to the bakery, which she also held responsible.
It's natural you want to save this friendship, because your pal started out sane. She was normal and happy once-- she didn't need to be sedated or tied up in a strait jacket. Her descent into insanity was gradual, hardly noticeable, until one day, she throws a bottle at your face, and suddenly, it hits you: She's flown over the cuckoo's nest!
We often hope that these friends will revert back to normalcy, but unless they opt for counseling or therapy, chances are slim. Stop making yourself crazy and run far, far away from this friendship.
The Hypochondriac or Chronic Worrier
She's sure she has an STD, is most likely pregnant (with twins) and has at least 80 different allergies-- she's your friendly neighborhood hypochondriac.
For her, everything is the worst-case scenario, which means getting a hang nail means she'll have to amputate her finger or someone cutting her off on the freeway means she's the worst driver on the planet. You find that your friendship has devolved into soothing her outlandish fears and concerns and rubbing her back as you wait for another mental breakdown to occur, just two exits away.
While it's important to take care of your friends, the hypochondriac worrier just robs you of your emotional support, and what do you get in return? Conspiracy theories and a lot of trips to the pharmacy. It's time you write your own prescription and end this toxic relationship.
The Girl Who has Everything
It's difficult not to despise the girl who has everything, because in addition to being gorgeous, rich, thin, fashionable
and smart, she's also probably really nice (or great at pretending to be.) She might even be a princess, which really makes us want to kill her.
Once in a while, jealousy still rears her ugly little head and your lack of job, American Express Black Card and 7-series BMW becomes more and more apparent. Not only does her having everything affect your self-worth, but it may also cause you to become critical (talk crap) of your friendship. If you can keep your emotions in check, then great for you, but if you're in a particularly less advantageous state of affairs, having this kind of friend may reiterate just how unfair life actually is.
The Party Girl a.k.a. Most likely to End Up in Jail
Channeling Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and the rest of the female Hollywood brat pack notorious for drunk driving, pouting for mugshots and having very little talent. These
ladies are all versions of the party girl-- she's fun, pretty, gets into all the coolest parties, and for some miraculous reason, is still friends with you.
But wait. She's calling you from the police station at 3 a.m. to come bail you out, and it's your new Rory Becca dress that she spilled her fourth Red Bull vodka all over (without an apology). That's because the party girl doesn't care very much about anything but the party, and for her, maintaining a friendship simply means she has someone to enter or exit a party with. Bounce this fake friendship from the club and keep your finances and fashion intact.
The Copycat (*Bonus)
So, you're in the mood for a toasty grilled cheese sandwich. So is your friend. And a quick trip to the bank. What a coincidence, so is your friend. And an oil change. Yep. So is she. Meet the copycat-- she looks like an individual, but she is just a carbon copy of your opinions and preferences. Ask her what she wants to do, and she'll respond enthusiastically with her favorite phrase: "Whatever you want!"
The copycat loves your fashion sense, your boyfriend and your apartment, so don't be surprised if the next day she's got everything you have and is still calling you for advice on which laundry detergent to use.
The copycat can't help being a copycat, which is why ending this friendship can be particularly sad. She might be a victim of low self-esteem or have grown up a lemming-- whatever the case, it's difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who depends on you to make all of her life's decisions. Pull the plug on the copy machine and let her go.