What to look for in a mate? Have you chosen wisely? With respect to this issue, there are probably five factors in mate selection (choosing your life partner) that everyone uses - whether knowing it or not:

1. Mind: Is what he or she says interesting to you?
2. Eye: Does she or he appeal to your eye?
3. Heart: Does your heart feel love, and loved?
4. Stomach: In your gut, does it feel like he or she is a good person?
5. Behavior: Is her or his behavior good?

Which of these factors do you think is the most important so that if that point was missing, the relationship would probably be doomed from the beginning? It's clear that some people are only smitten if the person is brainy, and others if the person pleases and nourishes the eye. Still others are taken solely with being loved by the other so that the heart feels loved. In addition, there are those who need someone who is sincere and who conveys a sense of ‘goodness,' and that's all that seems to count. For some, the most important quality in choosing a mate is that the person's behavior should be good.

Of course, many people seek more than one of these qualities, and that clinches it for them; finally, many people want all of them.

However, in all likelihood, one of these factors is the one that can contribute most to the potential viability and longevity of the relationship. Number 5 is it - behavior, behavior, behavior. Character is behavior and vice versa. Without good behavior the relationship has a poor chance of working. For example, the person could be very bright and very attractive, you could feel loved by the person, and love the person, and you can see that the person is good and always means well. But if the person is an alcoholic and behaves in a way that facilitates that sort of addiction then the relationship would have a very poor chance, a poor prognosis.

Therefore, no matter what the person says or hopes to be, it's what the behavior is that tells the story.

From: Love Is Not Enough: What It Takes To Make It Work

All great literature tells us that we are what we do, not what we think or say. Therefore,

do, better
The Dictionary Corner

Accident Proneness: In classical psychoanalytic understanding, frequent accidents imply a strong superego so that the person punishes the self because of the alleged presence of unconscious anger and guilt.

Clang Association: Selection of words based on similarity of sound and not on meaning. Seen in disturbances of association in schizophrenia, as well as in affective psychoses.

Sequela: The residue of a trauma or disorder. An example would be a facial tic that remains after the experience of extreme tension.

From: Dictionary of Psychopathology

About the Author

Henry Kellerman, Ph.D.

Henry Kellerman, Ph.D., psychologist/psychoanalyst/ practitioner, is the author/editor of more than 20 books.

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