Psychology Today

Many people think they are behaving assertively when they are really being aggressive or downright rude. And even though there are dozens of excellent books on “How To Be Assertive” and many people have attended assertiveness training seminars and groups, it’s amazing how many still resort to the “bottle-up or blow-up” pattern of behavior.
Such people rarely respond to annoying matters as soon as they arise. Instead, they say nothing, stew in their feelings, add others to the list, and eventually, some minor event becomes the “last straw” and they let rip.

Consider the following anecdote:  Artie’s boss, Jonna, called him into her office to speak with him. “You’ve got to learn to control your temper. ” she advised. “I’m beginning to doubt whether I can trust you to act professionally around clients. It seems that you keep things bottled up until you can’t hold it in anymore, and then you just explode.”

When you express annoyances as soon as they arise - keeping your life clear of resentments - your dealings with people are inevitably much better.

Still, many people erroneously think that minor events are not worth expressing. “Why make myself look so picky and over-sensitive?” they say. Others pride themselves on being “very private.” They keep all their emotions locked up inside. This passivity is a serious psychological mistake. Such people are not only shut in, they are also shut out, because it’s only by letting others into your feelings (positive and negative) that you can develop close and loving relationships. To continuously stifle feelings, to suppress all displays of anger or even irritation, to hide fears, or swallow annoyance is not healthy. Indeed, these suppressive tactics can result in dire social, emotional, and even physical consequences.

Of course, there are times when it is necessary or strongly advisable to suppress or hide true feelings. Only a fool would express his or her emotions all the time. The point is that when emotional inhibition is a habit, in time it becomes increasingly stressful to the individual, creating opportunities for various problems to develop.

The book "Emotion Inhibition and Health" edited by Drs. Harold Traue and James Pennebaker, addresses the age-old question: Does the inhibition of emotion have negative effects on physical and mental health? Researchers in Austria, France, Germany, Ireland and the United States have shown that failing to express emotion can indeed trigger mental and physical problems, such as asthma (especially in children), headaches, psychosomatic complaints, and cardiovascular difficulties. So the question is: What’s the best way of expressing feelings? If you are angry must you yell and scream and pound things? Emphatically not!

The best response is an assertive response, not an aggressive one. An assertive expression is simply stating your likes, dislikes, preferences, and desires in a manner that takes into consideration the feelings of the person you're being assertive with.  Saying things like: “I find that annoying! I'd really prefer you not do that! That really bothers me! I feel very stressed out right now!” are all assertive expressions.  Another way of skillfully expressing yourself assertively is simply requesting a change in the future instead of complaining in the present. For example saying "In the furure, I'd really like a call if your running late (instead of saying nothing or blasting the late person with a complaint).  Remember, don’t deny your feelings or develop the habit of always hiding them from others.  Rather, learn to express them in a constructive manner. The bottom line is simple:  Don’t suppress nor aggress, but do express your feelings.

• If something significant is bugging you, get it off your chest.
• Be assertive about expressing positive emotions, too - love, appreciation, admiration, respect and gratitude.
• Become more of an emotional risk taker.

Remember, the meek shall inherit the earth because the aggressive people of the world will trample their faces into it!

So don’t fail to express your feelings because of needless shame, embarrassment or fear. Let others into your feelings and see what a constructive difference it can make.

Also, in many cases assertive expression is it's own reward.  So, even if the people with whom your being assertive don't validate your feelings, or change their behavior, simply speaking your mind, having your say and expressing your feelings can pay big emotional dividends.

For more on this very important topic please check out my post on not teaching people to treat you badly:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-well/201109/are-you-teaching-...

Remember:  Think well, act well, feel well, be well!

Copyright Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D.