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Greetings, Dr.Greenberg
I'm an eighteen year old Filipino female & I have been stressing out about the relationship I currently have with my mother. It is likely that these issues I will talk with you about may either be new to you or different due to differences in culture, but I hope for any sort of feedback I could get.
Just recently I had moved out to live with my boyfriend and his family and it lasted about a month until I decided to move back, but before my actions of leaving home, my mother had threatened me to never come back or show my face to her. (And for that reason got me really depressed, I love my mother but she is just outrageous, and I will say that I understand her frustration with me. I just turned 18, I moved out abruptly and the fact that I wanted to be with my bf made her really concerned probably) that whole idea is definitely understandable, however, wouldn't normal mothers try to talk stuff out?
Now, my mom speaks Tagalog and I refuse to speak Tagalog so this language barrier comes in between our communication. However, I still understand her and she understands what I'm saying but it's not the sort of understanding where we both could compromise.
Another issue pertaining our relation is this "God" religion thing. We are Iglesia Ni Cristo, a church that arose in the Philippines & grew immensely overtime and as of recent I decided to stop going to that church because I just do not feel the same, and I just have a different view on things now. She also blames my bf for my change of attitude.
So, the main problem with her is that she hates me because I stopped going to church and that I would rather live and be with my boyfriend.
Now, I don't really know how to talk to her due to my crying problem, you see, I am an emotional girl and once I become whole-heartedly in a deep conversation and whenever I try speaking from the heart, I just start crying my eyeballs out. It's very hard for me to talk with a reasoned mind when it comes to deep things.
I have tried many times to speak with her about church and my boyfriend but it never works out, I feel like I am running out of options.
My mother recently asked if I was leaving again and I said that I might, so she had said "If you don't want to follow what I say then I never want to see you again"
I really do not understand this, as to why she acts a certain way, I honestly do not blame her but the fact that it is hard to live now that I am eighteen without support coming from my mom is hard. I need her and love her but I am having a difficult time getting her head from the thought that I have to do whatever she wants or says.
I'm not a puppet! I have my own beliefs and ideas and I have my choices!
I do not do drugs, I do not drink alcohol, I don't sell my body yet not going to her church is as equivalent to all that as to shun me for it.
Please help me.
I know I cannot change her but I hope that she finds understanding and an open mind.
Even if waiting is what I have to do that is fine, I just hate suffering because of this.
I would hate to see my mother cry but I have been crying because of her. Like what the heck mom?
(She's really upset that I stopped going to church because she says that she wants me to be saved. My mother believes that I will go to hell if I am not in the Iglesia Ni Cristo)
Thank you so much for your time.
A Very Upset Young Woman
Dear Sweet Young Woman,
I am so sorry for your pain. Of course a mother should never shun a child. Mothers, are often our greatest supporters and the figurative leaders of our fan clubs.
Yes, parents may behave differently across cultures but threatening to withdraw from a child's life is unacceptable across any culture. Clearly, you are trying to become independent but your mother is resisting that. Nonetheless, you must continue on your journey to become independent. I hope that you will continue to make smart choices for yourself.
I do have one question for you. Is there anything about your boyfriend that your mother should be worried about? Perhaps not but please give this some thought.
It is my belief that your mother will not shun you indefinitely. It is my hope that she will eventually come around. She is trying her hardest to have a profound influence on you at this point. When she realizes that you are clear about your decisions I hope that she will calm down and be kinder to you.
Good luck. I hope that you have a god support group of friends around you. You didn't write about your father and I am curious as to where he stands on this issue.
Good luck and please get back to me.
Dr. G.
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