The day has finally arrived, the day you have been waiting for: your ex is asking you if you want to get back together. Everything seems to be on the right track until he (or she) suddenly (and quite appropriately, given that you are going to sleep together) mentions the people he has had sex with while you were broken up (or in some cases, he does a little more than mention them—he elaborates on the details of his sexual encounters).
You know rationally that your guy didn't cheat on you. After all, you were not together when it happened. But your fantasies and images of your ex together with others haunt you—they make you sick to your stomach. It may even prevent you from acting in a sane way, and your jealousy could abruptly put a complete stop to the reunion with your ex.
There is only one thing for you to do in this situation. If you really want to get back with your ex, you have to block out those images and keep telling yourself that you were not cheated on, that your ex had every right to do what he did.
But why is it so painful to think about your ex's sexual encounters, when you won him back in the end after all? Here are five possible reasons your heart is still aching.
What to do? Even if your ex's past lovers were the ones to end things with your ex, there is a reason he is with you now and not others. If you are serious about each other, you should be able to talk about these things. Sure, your ex may not be forthcoming about how sexually advanced that chick was that he was sleeping with while you guys were broken up but remember not all guys are into sexually advanced chicks as long-term partners. As hard as it may be, if you were broken up with your ex at the time when he had sex with others, you are entitled to your feelings but you are not entitled to blame your ex or be mad at him for doing what he did. You could have done the same. Maybe you even did do the same, in which case you should be able to take some consolation in the fact that you are now equals in this regard.
Berit "Brit" Brogaard is a co-author of The Superhuman Mind and the author of On Romantic Love.