How Verbal Abusers Rationalize Their Behavior

I felt a little thrill as I sensed a change in the weather. Curt had just joined me outside. I had noticed clouds moving in, and the cool moisture in the air, and I thought, “Maybe we could get a little thunder shower.” I thought of the cold front moving in and turned to Curt saying, “I think maybe when weather changes rapidly from hot to cold, there’s a greater chance.” I was angrily interrupted with, “It’s not COLD. It’s COOL.” “Oh,” I said, “I didn’t mean it’s cold here.” “You said cold!” Curt glared. I tried to explain, “I know it’s not cold. I was thinking of weather in general and changes in the atmosphere.” “Well, you didn’t say atmosphere!” he raged, spitting the words out. I tried again: “What I was trying to …” I was interrupted again: “Will you just drop it. It’s impossible to talk to you!” I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. […] I wondered, “How come I can’t get Curt to understand what I’m saying? Why is it so hard? Maybe, if I’d just said I thought there was a chance of thundershowers, he would have understood.”

–Evans, Patricia (2009). The Verbally Abusive Relationship (Kindle Locations 854-863). Adams Media. Kindle Edition.

Source: Wikimedia commons

People who don’t realize that they are in a verbally abusive relationship tend to rationalize the situation. They believe that if only they try to explain what they mean, their abuser will understand. They keep trying to be sincere and caring, they keep trying to explain what might have angered their partner and why it’s all a misunderstanding.

But regardless of how the abused person tries to change herself to make the relationship better, she will fail. Her abuser is not going to see her differently, regardless of how she reacts. To him, she is too insensitive and childish to warrant being treated like a grown-up.

Her abuser steps in as a “caring” parent, wanting to correct the behavior of his or her misbehaved child. He treats his victim as a child or feeble-minded who fails to realize how badly she is behaving. He believes she fails to see that she is to blame for his attacks. “He is only trying to help, after all”.

However, the abuser is the one who makes up this “reality.” He fails to realize that he is the cause of the problems he sees in his victim. He is so ignorant of his own bad behavior that he will describe himself in terms that are in direct contradiction with the most natural interpretation of his behavior. He may describe himself as easygoing, easy to get along with and fair to everyone.

If confronted by his victim, he is only “trying to help her” by pointing out her flaws, so she can improve or he has “no idea” of what his victim is talking about. His bad behavior is her fault, in his eyes. If she had behaved better to start with, his “good suggestions” or anger fits would have been unnecessary.

Verbal abusers rationalize their behavior along these lines. If they were to confront their own behavior, they would have to consciously hate themselves. Their subconscious brain is protecting them against self-hatred. So, it tells the conscious brain that the anger fits, blaming and criticism are rational responses to what is going on in the environment.

Because of these kinds of rationalizations, you cannot reason with a verbal abuser. You might as well not do it, because it will only result in more abuse, more put-downs, more blame, more criticism.

The best you can do is to distance yourself from your abuser. If you can’t cut the connection completely for whatever reason, try to stay away from him as much as you can.

Berit "Brit" Brogaard is the author of On Romantic Love