In upstate New York this week, a 68-year old bus monitor Karen Klein was called fat and ugly. Laced with profanity and cruel insults, four middle-school boys brought the woman to tears in one of the worst child-adult bullying incidents ever caught on videotape. Watched more than 4 million times on YouTube, many of the online comments were as uncivil as the video itself.
The foundational virtue of citizenship, civility is behavior that recognizes the humanity of others, allowing us to live peacefully together in neighborhoods and communities. The psychological elements of civility include awareness, self-control, empathy, and respect. If we believe that all human beings “are created equal” and have worth, then civility is an obligation to act in ways that honor that belief. It requires us to treat others with decency, regardless of our differences. It demands restraint and an ability to put the interests of the common good above self-interests.
It’s impossible to know if civility has really declined because we can’t measure it scientifically. But by all subjective measures, most Americans believe it has severely decreased over the past two decades. Stories like the ridiculed bus monitor may seem unusually distasteful, but this kind of behavior occurs daily in U.S. classrooms and homes, and on the web.
There are several hypotheses for this decline. First, as society has become more informal, some ethics scholars suggest there are no longer agreed upon rules for respectful behavior. Norms have become unclear and fuzzy. The web has produced an etiquette-free zone where people can post anonymous and uncivil criticisms with ease. With anonymity, there is no responsibility.
Today, name-calling and vulgarity fill the halls of Congress, negative political ads attack character over substance, and reality show television encourages self-regard over the common good. Shows like “The Apprentice” and “Survivor” highlight back-stabbing behavior as admirable and winning qualities. With the advent of cable news, we can choose the network that suits our political beliefs, only hearing one side of the debate. In short, children are exposed to rudeness, vulgarity, and violence that would be unthinkable in previous generations.
Do we really need to ask ourselves where children learn civility? Children model adult behavior on television and in real life. And they replicate language they learn online. It is not uncommon to hear “F_ _ _ You” spoken by children just learning to talk. That’s because children are systemically connected to everything around them. The world is their learning environment. We are their teachers.
Admittedly, there are many roadblocks to reversing the downward trend of civility in today's society. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t. In fact, as parents, teachers, politicians, television producers, and others who impact children’s lives, we have a responsibly to do so. Why? Studies show that incivility leads to violence, unhealthy communities, and societies paralyzed by conflict and political division.
Here are 15 ways children learn civility from adults:
This list is not extensive or complete. Please share your thoughts, suggestions, and additions. What can adults do to teach respectful social behavior? And, yes, civility is appreciated!
Marks, J. (1996, April 22). The American uncivil wars: How crude, rude, and obnoxious behavior has replaced good manners and why that hurts politics and culture. US News and World Report, 66-72.
Peck D. L. (2002). Civility: A contemporary context for a meaningful historical concept. Sociological Inquiry, 72, 358-375.
Scales, S. (2010, Spring). Teaching Civility in the Age of Jerry Springer. Teaching Ethics, 1-20.
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©2012 Marilyn Price-Mitchell. All rights reserved. Please contact for permission to reprint.