Do you regularly try to motivate yourself with self-criticism and mental projections about all the bad things that will happen to you if you don’t get it together? While this approach may create that extra surge of adrenaline to meet your work deadline, cold call the next potential client, get to the gym, or get your house cleaned before the in-laws visit, it comes at a cost. You end up feeling bad about yourself a lot of the time. You get into constant “fight or flight” mode, trying to avoid the negative imagined consequences, which messes with your cortisol and other stress hormones. You get overwhelmed, and decide to zone out playing video games or posting mindlessly on social media, or you rebel and eat, drink, or spend too much, thus creating more self-disgust. If this sounds familiar, perhaps you need a healthy dose of self-compassion.
Kristin Neff, the most well-known self-compassion researcher, calls it “a healthier way of relating to yourself.” Rather than beating yourself with a stick to get things done, you extend kindness and understanding to yourself. It’s like saying to yourself “I know you’re trying your best, but life is tough and you don’t always get it right, because you’re only human.” It also has a component of mindful self-awareness, in which you acknowledge your own emotions, but don’t get overidentified with them or use them as excuses not to meet your goals.
Self-compassion is like Mindfulness Plus. Being mindful means gently noticing what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing right now, rather than operating on automatic pilot. It involves asking “Is this what you want to be doing ,or do you need to gently guide yourself back to center?” Self-compassion expands on this by asking: “What is it that you need?” Often we don’t do the things we are supposed to do because we have conflicting emotional needs that aren’t being met, and our resentment about these is getting in our way. We can’t just keep pushing ourselves as if we are machines; eventually something is going to give. When we have unmet needs for rest, enjoyment, companionship, acknowledgment, comfort, meaning, food, sex, and so on, these are going to create emotional suffering that interferes with our ability to be goal-oriented. Self-compassion acknowledges this suffering, and allows us to take time to replenish ourselves and get back in emotional balance so we can truly commit to our stated goals and persevere through the hard times.
Research shows that people who practice self-compassion have better mental health, less anxiety and depression, and are just as successful at meeting goals as those who don’t. One longer-term study showed that self-compassion helped people to adjust better, after a divorce. When we get disappointed in life, our natural tendency might be to ask ourselves what we did wrong, but saying to ourselves, “You did the best you could given what you knew at the time,” can help us to feel better about ourselves and give us courage to begin rebuilding our lives.
Self-compassion can also help us with emotional eating and other types of compulsive or addictive behavior. One study showed that college students asked to eat doughnuts, who were given a self-compassionate message by the experimenter (everybody eats this stuff sometimes), were less likely to overeat later on when faced with temptation. Those not getting the message may have been more likely to get demoralized and give up on their important goals. Emotional distress interferes with our healthy focus and can derail us from our goals if we get too swept up in it. If willpower is like a muscle, adding self-cruelty to the mix makes the weight too heavy to lift.
Ironically, harsh self-criticism seems to create an inner rebelliousness that makes us want to give up on our healthy goals. Self-compassion acknowledges the reality that it’s an unhealthy moment, not an unhealthy life, and we have a choice what the next moment is going to be. And it shows us that we can be on our own side as we walk the path.
Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist, and expert on Mindfulness, Managing Anxiety, and Depression, Succeeding at Work,, and Mind-Body Health. Dr Greenberg provides workshops and speaking engagements for your organization and coaching and psychotherapy for individuals and couples
Do you want to be notified via e-mail when Dr Greenberg posts a new article on The Mindful Self-Express?
Sign up at the link below:
Visit Dr Greenberg's website:
Read her Psychology Today blog & personal blog