Edith Piaf, the famous French singer sang "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien." (I Have No Regrets). Should we follow her advice and try to live in the moment, without looking back and without any self-judgment? Or, can we sometimes learn valuable lessons by analyzing our behavior and its consequences. Read on to find out what the research tells us about this ubiquitous and complicated emotion
Regret is a negative cognitive/emotional state that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made. For young people, regret, although painful to experience, can be a helpful emotion. The pain of regret can result in refocusing and taking corrective action or pursuing a new path. However, the less opportunity one has to change the situation, the more likely it is that regret can turn into rumination and chronic stress that damages mind and body.
Studies on gender differences in regret show the increased value that women put on relationships and how women have more difficulty disengaging attention from past relationships. Overall, 44% of women surveyed had romantic regrets, versus just 19% of men. This result may also reflect men’s greater tendency to replace lost relationships quickly with new partners. In this study, those not in a current relationship, understandably, had more regret over past ones.
Research studies have compared the experience of regret in cultures such as the U.S., where individuals have more choice over their life's course, versus in cultures with arranged marriages, where family have much more control over life choices. Not surprisingly, regret is much more commonly experienced and reported to have more positive aspects by young people in the U.S. People in collectivist cultures, which deemphasize individual choice, have less of a basis for blaming themselves for negative outcomes. They had no other choice, so they may as well accept the situation and make the best of it.
Other research has compared regret over different time periods. Over short time periods, people are more likely to regret actions taken and mistakes made, whereas over long time periods, they are more likely to regret actions not taken, such as missed opportunities for love or working too hard and not spending enough time with family.
Researcher Neal Roese of the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University is a leader in the field of regret research. His studies of younger people have shown that regret was rated more favorably than unfavorably, primarily because of its informational value in motivating corrective action. Interestingly, regret was rated highest of a list of negative emotions in fulfilling five functions: (1) making sense of the world, (2) avoiding future negative behaviors, (3) gaining insight, (4) achieving social harmony, and (5) improving ability to approach desired opportunities (presumably because we regret past passivity).
Regret can have damaging effects on mind and body when it turns into fruitless rumination and self-blame that keeps people from re-engaging with life. This pattern of repetitive, negative, self-focused ruminative thinking is characteristic of depression and may be a cause of this mental health problem as well. Other research, reported in the AARP Newsletter, shows regret can result in chronic stress, negatvely affecting hormonal and immune system functioning. Regret impedes the ability to recover from stressful life events by extending their emotional reach for months, years, or lifetimes.
Regret can also stem from counterfactual thinking. In other words, the easier it is to envisage a different outcome, the more likely we are to regret the lost opportunity. The Harvard Newsletter tells a story of a man in Liverpool who always chose the same set of lottery numbers. However, one time when he forgot to renew his ticket, his numbers came up. This poor man was so full of self-recrimination and regret that he committed suicide. Mentally coming this close to a life of riches and then not getting it because of his own inaction was too much to bear. Interestingly, career mistakes are a frequent source of regret in research studies, perhaps because of opportunities that people come close to, but miss.
Advertisers are harnessing the power of regret to get people to buy products. We are all familiar with those depressing ads for life insurance in which discussions following the funeral focus on regrets at not buying policies and resultant life difficulties. More recently, V8 vegetable juice has an ad campaign with the slogan “I could have had a V8.” The idea is to motivate people to have the V8 next time. Similarly, brands, such as Nike, that focus on exercise use slogans focusing on next-day regret for not exercising as a way to motivate healthier lifestyles, presumably leading to more use of their products. Luxury retailers familiar with the research could also, presumably, stimulate consumers to think about how they would feel ten years from now if they had bought the cheaper sweater instead of the cashmere!
What Can We Do to Cope With Regret?
Regret, like all emotions, has a function for survival. It is our brain's way of telling us to take another look at our choices; a signal that our actions may be leading to negative consequenes. Regret is a major reason why addicts get into recovery!
If you get stuck blaming yourself and regretting past actions, this could turn into depression and damage your self-esteem. Find a way to forgive yourself and let it go. You could think about what you would say to a loved one in the same situation to make them feel better. Most people have an easier time forgiving others than themselves.
Consider the circumstances at the time that may have made it more difficult to make good choices, or the fact that you had limited knowledge at the time. Perhaps you had to make a quick decision under time pressure or had multiple stresses going on.
Think about life as a journey. Everybody makes mistakes and these can be opportunities to learn important lessons about yourself, your ways of reacting, values, vulnerabilities, triggers, and also about other people and how to take better care of yourself.
Exciting new research is beginning to uncover how we process regret in the brain. Read my new post, The Neuroscience of Regret, to learn about these exciting findings.
Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist, and expert on Mindfulness and Positive Psychology. Dr Greenberg provides workshops and speaking engagements for organizations, life, weight loss, or career coaching, and psychotherapy for individuals and couples.
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