Too often when I work with people in Forgiveness Therapy, I see a familiar pattern. First, the person has been treated badly by others. If this has been severe or has occurred over a long period of time, then the person begins slowly to incorporate the other’s views into the self. Eventually, this can become so entrenched inside of people that this lie about who they are becomes part of their identity. Once it is part of their identity, then it is hard to change. In fact, people can become resistant to change because, after all, this is their identity. It is who they think they are. They would rather have a broken identity than to set out on a course of change that is unknown and scary. Staying with brokenness is easier sometimes than confronting the anxiety of transformation.
And yet, that change is possible and welcomed when the new view of self is more wholesome, more true. It is worth the initial anxiety to be free of the broken identity which could last for the rest of a person’s life.
Here is how to get started in transforming your self-esteem after you have been treated badly by others:
1) Stand with courage in the truth: “I was wronged.” If none of this is your fault, say that to yourself: “This is not my doing. I did not bring this on myself.”
2) Stand further in the truth: “Even though this person may have a bad view of me, I refuse to share that view of myself with this person.” Resist the lie.
3) As you stand in the truth, be aware of your strength in doing so: “I am enduring what I did not deserve. I am stronger than I thought.”
4) Commit to doing no harm to the one who harmed you. As you do that, reflect on who you are: “I am someone who can endure pain and not return pain to the other.”
5) Finally, conclude in the truth: “I will not be defined by the injustices against me. I am more than this. I am someone who endures pain and is a conduit for good to others.”
Who are you now?