“It is no good trying to keep up old friendships. It’s painful for both sides. The fact is, one grows out of people and the only thing is to face it.”( Somerset Maugham)
Last Saturday I was at a party and I mentioned to a couple that I might want to write a book about “Leaving.” How it is hard to move on from a bad relationship or situation but sometimes you just have to do it.
And we talked about how some people just can’t leave. No matter how many times they get bashed or trashed, choked up or put down, they stick around.
The ability to move on is a capacity worth cultivating.
But as in all psychological change, before you can truly take off you have to understand what is stopping you. You have to become aware of the “resistance.” Insight breeds change, awareness begets action and the truth shall set you free.
Picasso said that you first have to “Destroy in order to create.” If you want good things to happen in your life, you may first have to shut down a bad situation.
So why are you not shutting down the old and starting the new? What is the resistance? Why is hard to leave? Here are some reasons for why you might be stuck.
Let’s take these one at a time and see if we can stimulate your exit.
Move on even if you cannot resolve the matter. It is tempting to try to figure out why it didn’t work, what you could have done, where you went wrong, “if only I had…” but many people and situations are not amenable to logic. Their behavior does not make sense and never will. It might make sense to them, but many people do terrible things and feel utterly justified. If they lack insight about their impact on others or lack compassion or conscience, you are not going to be able to enlighten them. There is nothing you can do about them.
But there is so much you can do about you. As one psychoanalyst I know used to say, “What are YOU going to do with what THEY do?”