Welcome back to The Attraction Doctor
I have previously discussed the confusion around what women want and the dissatisfaction they face in modern dating (here). I have explained how this creates a double-bind, no-win situation for men as well (here). Ultimately, this leaves everyone feeling afraid and reluctant to date (here). The confusion leads to ideas such as nice guys finish last (here), the friend zone (here and here), and difficulties with male/female friendships too (here).
Underlying this confusion are the mixed messages sent in modern society. Both men and women are uncertain about what women want. Is it the "nice guy" who treats a woman well, provides for her, and takes care of her needs? Or, is it the "bad boy" who is masculine, sexy, and makes a woman's heart race?
Women's mate preferences, along these lines, were explored by Buss and Shackelford (2008). The pair gave married individuals questionnaires that assessed both their own value as a mate and their preferences for a mate too. Results indicated that women in the study desired men with traits in the following four dimensions:
Buss and Shackelford (2008) also found significant correlations between the women's own physical attractiveness (as a measure of their mate value) and the levels that they expected of male partners on each of the traits. In other words, as the title of their article indicated, they found that "attractive women want it all". Less attractive women, in contrast, tended to reduce their expectations on all traits across the board, settling for a bit less in each area.
Depending on the circumstances, however, the authors hypothesized that some women would employ a mixed-mating strategy. Rather than settling for less-than-ideal traits in one single man, these women would mate with more than one man, to mix-and-match the best traits overall. Usually, this would involve short-term sex (single parenting, cheating, cuckolding, etc.) to get good genes from a fit and masculine man, while getting investment and parenting from another man with good resources. Such an arrangement would most likely occur when, 1) the woman was lower in mate value and could not secure a single man high in all traits, and 2) her situation allowed her to mix-and-match without penalty or obstacles.
Thus, women appear to want BOTH the nice guy and bad boy. Ideally, they want to get all of the above in one man too. If they cannot find a single man to fit the bill, or they do not have a high enough mate value to get him, however, then they might settle for less all around, or mix-and-match between the two types.
Additional research by Tifferet and Kruger (2010) suggests that what women want in a partner may change over time too. The researchers surveyed 1,365 women from 11 countries, ranging in age from 14 to 68, about their preferences in a male partner. Specifically, these women were asked to rate how likely they would be to have a long-term, short-term, and brief sexual relationship with depictions of a "hero dad" and "dark cad" type man.
Their results indicated that women generally preferred the "dad" type for a long-term partner and the "cad" for a short-term sexual affair. Compared to younger women, however, older women tended to prefer the "dad" type for all relationship lengths and saw themselves as more investment and long-term relationship focused themselves. Young women, in contrast, were more likely to consider brief sexual affairs, particularly with the cad.
The authors suggest that this effect might be due to changing fertility. Younger women may be more interested in securing "good genes" from attractive men, even if that means a short-term sexual affair. Older women, in contrast, may change focus away from sex and getting pregnant, toward securing good provisioning and resources for herself and any existing children.
No wonder everyone is confused about what women want (even the women themselves)! At the heart of it, women want it all—an attractive, masculine man, who also cares, has resources to share, and will take care of kids too. Due to differences in time, preferences for short- or long-term mating, the woman's own value, and/or the pool of available men, however, women usually end up compromising on those traits. Other women end up mixing-and-matching among more than one guy. Thus, what women "want" ends up looking like a confusing, moving and changing target—depending on the women you ask and their individual needs at that moment.
Fortunately, there is hope for clarity for both men and women...
For the women. You may not realize it at this moment, but you most likely want all of the above traits in a man. Given the research, you will most likely prefer it all in a single man too, if possible (rather than mixing). However, if you are young and single right now, you might feel the pull of sexy cads more acutely for a short-term hook-up. If you are older and have kids, then those dependable dads may catch your eye more for a committed relationship.
Nevertheless, if you have the motivation and ability, you might maximize your long-term happiness by first developing your own physical appearance (here), personality (here), and unique appeal as a partner (here). Then, carefully evaluate what you want in a man (here), pick a good boyfriend (here), and have a satisfying relationship (here). This will help you find one single man who has the best total package you can get.
Otherwise, bouncing between getting your heart broken by sexy cads, then trying to secure commitment from older and wary dads, can be a difficult process. Unless, of course, you are set with only having sexy flings or companionate relationships for the rest of your life. In that case, just pick a single type of man and enjoy!
For the men. Again, women want it all. That means the guy who ultimately has his pick is the guy who has it all. They desire a man who has developed his masculine good looks (here), warm personality (here), and unique resources and abilities (here). Of course, that is not attainable for all men. However, the next best thing is to be balanced. In other words, women looking to find it all in one guy would prefer a guy with a bit of each trait, over those who are high in one and non-existent in the others.
Given that, if you already have a successful career, you would be better off spending extra time in the gym. If you are already physically fit, then work on your personality and charm. The only exception to this rule is that, if you just want short-term sex, then simply max out your looks, masculinity, and sex appeal. Otherwise, the guy with a bit of balance seems to have the most satisfying long-term relationships.
What do women want? They want it all—good genes, investment, parenting, and love. Ideally, they want it all from one guy too. Although, what women prioritize, settle for, and mix-and-match to get changes over time, relationship goals, and their own attractiveness as a mate. Therefore, the best strategy is to figure out what type of partner you want to attract and try to tune yourself to their specific desires. For most, that will be an attractive woman looking for a balanced man, for a long-term and satisfying relationship. For others, it will be a more difficult negotiation among dads and cads, to meet short-term sexual goals and long-term investment needs. Unfortunately, however, such a strategy often does not satisfy or mutually-benefit all parties. Thus, the confusion, struggle, and hard feelings involved in this process.
Go to www.AttractionDoctor.com for more dating and relationship advice (in helpful categories)
Finally, remember to share, like, tweet, and comment below. Until next time...happy dating and relating!
© 2015 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.