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Kevin's home life:
Kevin's home life:
Kevin was in his room "chilling" when he heard his father slam the door and start yelling at his mom. Kevin turned up his music to drown out the cursing, slamming, and yelling which inevitably led to tears. Night after night and day after day this was the routine at Kevin's house. If he was lucky, he'd escape the wrath of his father. Now that Kevin was 16, his tolerance for his father's behavior was running thin. At 6'1 he knew that he could easily put him in his place. His father had bullied him his whole life and according to his dad, Kevin was "a good for nothing piece of crap".
Kevin's social life:
Kevin had a desire for power, respect and control (all of the things he lacked at home). No one was ever going to run over him again. At school and in the community, Kevin had built quite the reputation for himself. No one wanted to mess with Kevin or get on his bad side. He had no respect for girls. He'd make perverse and sexual comments to females, making them feel uncomfortable in his presence. To guys, he'd intimidate, mock and threaten them until they quivered at the mere sight of him. Kevin had bullied kids his whole life. He had no true friends. No one could stand him and worse yet, he couldn't stand himself.
How many bullies out there are like Kevin?
According to a new study, by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the Massachusetts Department of Public Health, the answer may be more than you think. The study shows that students who are both victims and perpetrators are more likely to have experienced violence in the home. Bullies were about four times more likely to have been hurt by someone in their families than students who were neither bullies nor victims of bullying. Bullying is a big problem and has been associated with many psychological problems, some expanding well into adulthood.
Bullying research has been correlated with:
- Suicide
- Academic problems
- Substance abuse
- Mental health problems
- And now, family violence
Collectively, what can we do to stop this vicious cycle before it causes more devastation?
1. Parents, Get Involved!
Parents, you play a key role in whether or not your child becomes a bully. A survey conducted with youths 10-17 years old suggests children are more likely to bully others if they feel their parents are frequently angry at them or if they feel that they are a nuisance to their parents. Parents who have a good relationship and talk openly with their kids raise kids who are less likely to bully others. Why? Teens need positive adult guidance and support, plus your input matters to your teen. Research is continuing to support the notion that although parents may think their teen doesn't watch and listen, they do. So, make time in your schedule to spend with your teen. Also, monitor what your teen is doing on-line. Bullies can become vicious if they're shielded by a screen. Parents, you play a vital role in the campaign to stop bullying.
Note: If you are a parent and struggling with your relationship with your teen, please get help. The adolescent years are short, pivotal years. If relationships are destroyed during this period of development, it can have an adverse impact on your future relationship with your child.
2. Educators, Get Involved!
It is time that schools take an active stance to stop bullying. While much of the negative social networking and text messaging occurs after school hours, its aftermath frequently creeps into school. Many kids become traumatized when they enter school the next day and don't know what's being spread about them. Educators need to acknowledge that if bulling effects the academic environment in any way, then it is a school problem. I particularly like how the state of New Hampshire supports its anti-bullying law allowing for school districts to step in "if the conduct interferes with a pupil's educational opportunities or substantially disrupts the orderly operations of the school or school-sponsored activity or event."
Schools are in the business of educating. While academics are important, so are social and emotional skills. It is our role, as educators, to teach our youth to be effective communicators and prepare them for a successful life beyond the walls of school.
Here are a few suggestions:
- Districts facilitate school wide training on bullying and cyberbullying.
- Conduct school wide, parent, student and teacher bullying surveys, so that you can understand the scope of your bullying problem.
- Bring in guest speakers to speak to your students.
- Ensure that your staff is trained on how to handle and report bullying situations.
- Develop an anonymous reporting system so that students can feel safe reporting a situation.
- Be careful using conflict resolution and peer mediation as they may not be effective ways to stop bullying. Do not put the victim and perpetrator in the same room to resolve a bullying issue. Bullies feed off of power and this old school approach can actually make the situation worse for the victim.
- Work with the bullies in your school. Utilize school counselors for groups and individual counseling sessions. While empowering the victim is an important step to stop bullying; we must also turn our attention to the bully and "teach" them the skills that they are lacking.
- Keep up to date on the bullying research. For example, a new study published in Pediatrics, showed that both bullies and victims were more likely to visit the school nurse than students not involved in bullying. So, school officials, you may want to train your nurses to keep an eye out for bullying as they may be at the forefront of a bullying problem.
3. Teens, Get Involved!
Teens, you have the loudest voice amongst your peers. Become vocal advocates to stop bullying.
Here are a few suggestions:
- Don't be a bystander. Intervene if you see bullying happening.
- Don't become "one of them." If you have a group of friends slamming someone on-line don't join in. Tell them to "knock it off."
- Help establish an Anti-Bullying Campaign at your school. Invite guest speakers and if your school doesn't have one, start an anonymous reporting system.
- Be a role model for respect, tolerance and acceptance.
Conclusion:
It is said that "It takes a village to raise a child." This statement is so true, each of us has a responsibility to stop this behavior whether you are a business woman, lawmaker, educator, parent, clergy member, teenager, college student, medical professional, cosmetologist, you name it... we all play a role to stop bullying.
The Real Story:
Kevin's looking for respect in all the wrong places. His father has taught him how to abuse and disrespect women. He has internalized a feeling of worthlessness and uses fear and intimidation to try to gain respect. Kevin has low self esteem and confidence. A lost soul who doesn't know how to get off of the path he's on.
Oftentimes, we fail to step to the side and see what the bully may be going through. In order to truly help these kids, we have to gain an understanding into their life. Many bullies have a pretty hard home life. By no means is this justification for their behavior, but we're not going to solve the problem unless we delve into what's really going on and teach appropriate skills. While Kevin's story is fictional, many are not. Kevin desires to feel like he's somebody and that he's loved. Don't we owe that to our youth today? Don't we need to teach them that they are worthy and deserving individuals? Victim, bystander, bully ---bottom line they're just kids... they're just kids.
Sources:
Eric Vernberg, Ph.D., director, Child and Family Services Clinic, and professor in child psychology, University of Kansas, Lawrence; Jeffrey Jenson, Ph.D., professor for children and youth at risk, and associate dean for research, Graduate School of Social Work, University of Denver; May 2011, Pediatrics
