The young couple was clear about their choice: “We’re not ready to have a child yet because we like living just for ourselves.”
They had made an accurate assessment because parenting is an act of continuing self-sacrifice.
First, in the name of responsibility, going from being partners to being parents, they would be giving up a lot of personal freedom, setting personal needs and wants aside to meet the immediate demands of a growing infant and child.
And second, for the child's and their own satisfaction, they would start wanting to give to the girl or boy in countless ways more. Active daily parenting requires the adult dedication and donation of enormous personal caring, thought, attention, time, energy, and resources.
The pleasure and the privilege of child-raising the next generation of human life is not cheap. It costs a lot of giving. And, as with any human relationship a person deeply invests in, there is usually an expectation of some positive return, of getting something of value back for all the investment one makes.
Fortunately, the young child usually provides rewarding returns on many levels: affection, appreciation, approval, admiration, companionship, compliance, communication, contribution, for example. “Our first grader really spoils us!” exclaims the dad. “She’s such a joy to do things for!”
Now fast-forward to seventh grade by when the girl or boy is beginning to be transformed by adolescent change.
On many levels, some lessening of traditional returns for parents has often occurred. Hugs are harder to get, compliments are few and far between, parental efforts are taken for granted, criticism and complaint are more frequent, instead of feeling looked up to parents start feeling looked down upon, time with peers is now preferable to the company of parents, requests are met with argument and delay, it’s hard to get more than single word answers to friendly questions, and as for getting household help, that is treated as an unjust imposition.
Raising an adolescent demands continued parental investment, but there is often less of those positive returns that the adult enjoyed with the adoring and adorable child. To some degree, this change is to be expected.
However, to “expect” does NOT mean to entirely “accept.”
Parental Responsibility
Parents are responsible for helping their adolescent remain nice to live with so they can keep their own disposition positive and supportive. When they do not, they can be vulnerable to feeling like they are over-giving and under-receiving: “With our teenager it feels like all give on our side and and all get on hers!" If this complaint is allowed to fester, resentment can grow at an adolescent who parents now see as selfish and insensitive, at worst even exploitive, entitled, and uncaring.
At this point, blaming the teenager is inappropriate and unproductive.
Parents must take responsibility for allowing the relationship to reach such an unhappy point. In counseling, I generally see two parenting issues that need to be addressed when Resentful Over-Giving has taken hold: neglecting exchange-needs of parents and accepting unacceptable treatment from the adolescent.
Neglecting Exchange-needs of Parents.
While parents can expect that the adolescent may go through times when she or he is less rewarding to live with than when a child, they should monitor the mix of mutuality in the relationship so that a sufficient two-way contribution of benefits with the teenager is maintained.
This means that there is an adequate exchange of effort with parents. For example: parents both give to and receive help from the teenager, parents give a listen and are given a listen by the teenager, parents give appreciation for what the teenager does and receive appreciation for what they do, and during times of trial parents give concern and empathy and when in need receive them return.
Should parents experience a significant imbalance where they feel it’s “all give and no get,” they may want to right the imbalance. This usually means delaying automatic giving of requested privileges, services, permissions, or resources by simply saying and meaning: “Of course we want to keep doing for you, but before we do, we need you to do something important for us first. This way we both benefit from the relationship.”
The adolescent learns that to receive from parents, she or he has to give to as well. And this model has much to teach of later value. A healthy, happy, significant human relationship has to be conducted for the benefit of two parties, not just one.
To correct over-giving, insist on an adequate exchange.
Accepting unacceptable treatment.
Adolescence is a very self-centering age, and rightly so because there is an enormous amount of growing up to do. For example, the young person must develop sufficient self-management skills to support a responsible independence and experiment with enough individual expression to build an authentically fitting identity.
However, a teenager who is used to having parents who indulge her or his self-preoccupation can come to feel entitled, acting insensitively and unmindfully on that account. She or he can get used to dealing with parents neglectfuly, rudely, even harshly, as though how one treats parents doesn’t matter. The thinking seems to be: “Parents are people I can treat as carelessly as I want because no matter how I treat them, they’ll always love me. I only have to act considerate to other people.”
No. Intimacy Education begins at home. Mistreatment that injures the relationship with parents now is not good training for conducting significant relationships later on. Parental vigilance is the order of the day. When parents get hurt by an insensitive or uncaring or deliberately hurtful word or act, they need to stop action and turn the unhappy experience into a talking point.
They need to discuss what was just done, how it felt, what the parent needs in consequence, and how the teenager is going to act differently next time. By example, interaction, and instruction parents have to model treating loved ones well. “I listen when we disagree, I do not walk away, I do not criticize or cut you off, and I give you a full and fair hearing. And I need to have you do the same with me. ”
In addition, they can explain this. “How you treat me is how you treat yourself, so when you treat me meanly, you treat yourself as a mean person. And now both of us have been hurt. Treat yourself well by treating me well, just as in treating treat you well I treat myself well. And when I don’t, I expect you to call me on that. Then I will listen to how my hurtful words or actions felt, make what amends I can, and will commit not to act that way again.”
At times it’s easy for parents to get into over-giving with their adolescent who can find it easy to get into over-getting mode. The parental sign to watch for is continuing resentment of their daughter or son. Increasing teenage contribution and addressing mistreatment are usually what are needed to get the parent/adolescent relationship back on a constructive course.
For more about parenting adolescents, see my book SURVIVING YOUR CHILD’S ADOLESCENCE, (Wiley, 2013.) Information at: www.carlpickhardt.com
Next week’s entry: Talking to High School Students about Communication
The young couple was clear about their choice: “We’re not ready to have a child yet because we like living just for ourselves.”
They had made an accurate assessment because parenting is an act of continuing self-sacrifice.
First, in the name of responsibility, going from being partners to being parents, they would be giving up a lot of personal freedom, setting personal needs and wants aside to meet the immediate demands of a growing infant and child.
And second, for the child's and their own satisfaction, they would start wanting to give to the girl or boy in countless ways more. Active daily parenting requires the adult dedication and donation of enormous personal caring, thought, attention, time, energy, and resources.
The pleasure and the privilege of child-raising the next generation of human life is not cheap. It costs a lot of giving. And, as with any human relationship a person deeply invests in, there is usually an expectation of some positive return, of getting something of value back for all the investment one makes.
Fortunately, the young child usually provides rewarding returns on many levels: affection, appreciation, approval, admiration, companionship, compliance, communication, contribution, for example. “Our first grader really spoils us!” exclaims the dad. “She’s such a joy to do things for!”
Now fast-forward to seventh grade by when the girl or boy is beginning to be transformed by adolescent change.
On many levels, some lessening of traditional returns for parents has often occurred. Hugs are harder to get, compliments are few and far between, parental efforts are taken for granted, criticism and complaint are more frequent, instead of feeling looked up to parents start feeling looked down upon, time with peers is now preferable to the company of parents, requests are met with argument and delay, it’s hard to get more than single word answers to friendly questions, and as for getting household help, that is treated as an unjust imposition.
Raising an adolescent demands continued parental investment, but there is often less of those positive returns that the adult enjoyed with the adoring and adorable child. To some degree, this change is to be expected.
However, to “expect” does NOT mean to entirely “accept.”
Parental Responsibility
Parents are responsible for helping their adolescent remain nice to live with so they can keep their own disposition positive and supportive. When they do not, they can be vulnerable to feeling like they are over-giving and under-receiving: “With our teenager it feels like all give on our side and and all get on hers!" If this complaint is allowed to fester, resentment can grow at an adolescent who parents now see as selfish and insensitive, at worst even exploitive, entitled, and uncaring.
At this point, blaming the teenager is inappropriate and unproductive.
Parents must take responsibility for allowing the relationship to reach such an unhappy point. In counseling, I generally see two parenting issues that need to be addressed when Resentful Over-Giving has taken hold: neglecting exchange-needs of parents and accepting unacceptable treatment from the adolescent.
Neglecting Exchange-needs of Parents.
While parents can expect that the adolescent may go through times when she or he is less rewarding to live with than when a child, they should monitor the mix of mutuality in the relationship so that a sufficient two-way contribution of benefits with the teenager is maintained.
This means that there is an adequate exchange of effort with parents. For example: parents both give to and receive help from the teenager, parents give a listen and are given a listen by the teenager, parents give appreciation for what the teenager does and receive appreciation for what they do, and during times of trial parents give concern and empathy and when in need receive them return.
Should parents experience a significant imbalance where they feel it’s “all give and no get,” they may want to right the imbalance. This usually means delaying automatic giving of requested privileges, services, permissions, or resources by simply saying and meaning: “Of course we want to keep doing for you, but before we do, we need you to do something important for us first. This way we both benefit from the relationship.”
The adolescent learns that to receive from parents, she or he has to give to as well. And this model has much to teach of later value. A healthy, happy, significant human relationship has to be conducted for the benefit of two parties, not just one.
To correct over-giving, insist on an adequate exchange.
Accepting unacceptable treatment.
Adolescence is a very self-centering age, and rightly so because there is an enormous amount of growing up to do. For example, the young person must develop sufficient self-management skills to support a responsible independence and experiment with enough individual expression to build an authentically fitting identity.
However, a teenager who is used to having parents who indulge her or his self-preoccupation can come to feel entitled, acting insensitively and unmindfully on that account. She or he can get used to dealing with parents neglectfuly, rudely, even harshly, as though how one treats parents doesn’t matter. The thinking seems to be: “Parents are people I can treat as carelessly as I want because no matter how I treat them, they’ll always love me. I only have to act considerate to other people.”
No. Intimacy Education begins at home. Mistreatment that injures the relationship with parents now is not good training for conducting significant relationships later on. Parental vigilance is the order of the day. When parents get hurt by an insensitive or uncaring or deliberately hurtful word or act, they need to stop action and turn the unhappy experience into a talking point.
They need to discuss what was just done, how it felt, what the parent needs in consequence, and how the teenager is going to act differently next time. By example, interaction, and instruction parents have to model treating loved ones well. “I listen when we disagree, I do not walk away, I do not criticize or cut you off, and I give you a full and fair hearing. And I need to have you do the same with me. ”
In addition, they can explain this. “How you treat me is how you treat yourself, so when you treat me meanly, you treat yourself as a mean person. And now both of us have been hurt. Treat yourself well by treating me well, just as in treating treat you well I treat myself well. And when I don’t, I expect you to call me on that. Then I will listen to how my hurtful words or actions felt, make what amends I can, and will commit not to act that way again.”
At times it’s easy for parents to get into over-giving with their adolescent who can find it easy to get into over-getting mode. The parental sign to watch for is continuing resentment of their daughter or son. Increasing teenage contribution and addressing mistreatment are usually what are needed to get the parent/adolescent relationship back on a constructive course.
For more about parenting adolescents, see my book SURVIVING YOUR CHILD’S ADOLESCENCE, (Wiley, 2013.) Information at: www.carlpickhardt.com
Next week’s entry: Talking to High School Students about Communication