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Adolescence
Re-clarifying Terms of Conduct at the Start of Adolescence
The early adolescent wants more 'freedom for' and 'freedom from' than the child
Posted March 9, 2015
"Maybe adolescence is a child's way of getting even with one's parents."
In addition to establishing basic trust in a secure dependence on parents, another contribution of Attachment Parenting a child is holding on with sufficient instructional and modeling influence to shape early conduct to fit family values.
To this end, parents work to install a basic Compass for Personal Conduct that enables the little girl or boy to direct themselves according to what (in parental eyes) is fundamental, safe, healthy, right, and wise.
Most parents understand the importance of laying this foundation down.
What they sometimes have a harder time understanding, however, is that once the girl or boy starts detaching (separating and differentiating) from childhood and enters adolescence, usually between ages 9 – 13, often coinciding with the entry into middle school, these ground rules from childhood are likely to be tested to see if they are still in force the way they used to be.
The young person naturally wonders about how this change in growth will alter the freedom state of things. From what old terms of childhood conduct will she or he now be freed? What new freedom of independence will she or he be allowed?
A tricky part of Detachment Parenting an adolescent is increasingly letting go so the young person can experience more of life and make more self-management decisions, while at the same time holding her or him to traditional account for acting in accord with founding principles of the family.
Some of this testing is usually done Illicitly by seeing what can be gotten away with, and some is done Forthrightly by questioning old family rules and routines in light of growing older and more mature.
ILLICIT EFFORTS
Consider common “sneaking by” questions that an early adolescent might ponder for freedom’s sake.
“If I don’t do what I’m told and I say ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I forgot,’ will my parents let the matter go?”
“If I fool my parents into believing what isn’t so, will my lying set me free?”
“If I argue long and loud enough, will my parents let me have my way?”
“If I promise to do something later, will my parents forget what they had wanted me to do?”
“If my parents don’t know what I’ve done, will it be okay not telling what they don’t think to ask?”
If parents see any of these “sneaking by” questions in operation, they should restate terms of conduct that continue to hold in adolescence as they did in childhood. Thus they might say:
“Excuses don’t excuse acting irresponsibly.”
“Dishonesty with us reduces trust and freedom from us.”
“Yelling won’t win disagreements, it will lose them.”
“What we ask for we’ll pursue until we get.”
“We expect you to keep us adequately and accurately informed.”
FORTHRIGHT EFFORTS
Then there are questions a young person will directly ask to test which old family requirements continue to hold and which do not. The basic question is simply this: In what ways is an adolescent freer than a child? To illustrate, here are some common examples.
“Do I still have a bed time?”
“Do I still have to do chores?”
“Do I still only get to watch G-rated movies?”
“Do I still have to keep my room picked up?”
“Do I still have to have you come to school?”
“Do I still have to help around the home?’
“Do I still have to save part of my allowance?”
“Do I still have to be supervised on the smart phone and computer?”
“Do I still have to do family things?”
“Do I still have to have you check overnights with my friends’ parents?”
“Do I still have to show my homework to you?”
“Do I still have to dress how you want?”
“Do I still have to eat healthy?”
What childhood terms of conduct are lasting in adolescence, and which ones are susceptible to change with the advancing age? What is okay now that the teenager is older and what never was and never will be okay? The answers to these questions are important to clarify at the outset of the adolescent passage.
By the girl or boy’s entry into middle school, it’s worthwhile for parents to reset and restate the family constants that hold over from childhood. In addition, it’s important to discuss the deliberating process through which some old demands and constraints may be given up because they no longer need apply.
For more about parenting adolescents, see my book, “SURVIVING YOUR CHILD’S ADOLESCENCE,” (Wiley, 2013.)
Next week’s entry: Adolescence and the Dominating Friend
