"Like a lot of high-functioning people with BPD, my mother's intelligent and perceptive. She can tell when she's being handled, and she's more than capable of counter-handling right back. The net result is that using SET to sooth and progress the situation simply turns an issue into a meta-issue, and the conflict becomes between my mother and whoever's trying to use SET."
I am looking for guest bloggers to provide all different points of views and subjects. It should be about a topic you know a lot about or feel strongly about. People with BPD and their family members generally write about their personal experiences, and professionals write about topics within their expertise.
"I had gone 'no contact' with my family--especially my mother--and I badly needed to talk to someone. I called my aunt. When she told me my mom has borderline personality disorder, it was the most significant thing anyone said to me in my whole life."
Marsha Linehan says that the term radical is a “complete and total…[accepting] of something from the depths of your soul.” It’s not a behavior. It’s an interior shift. It’s all about finding peace in “what is” the reality of the situation right now. Acceptance is the opposite of denial.
Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don’t do what they want. The main tool of the trade is FOG: fear, obligation, and guilt.
People are “enmeshed” when their personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. Enmeshment becomes a problem because the people involved start to lose their own emotional identity. They lack the level of autonomy they need to grow.
While emotional caretakers take pride in their self-sacrifice, it is a double edged sword. Partners who are emotional caretakers usually come from a family in which some of their basic emotional needs were unmet.
Today's politicians act like divorcing spouses who can't see anything good about the other person. They "split," or see things in black and white, just like people with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.
A list of what makes for a good relationship could be quite lengthy and might differ from couple to couple. But here are some characteristics mentioned over and over by marital therapists. Ask yourself if you think it's possible for your borderline or narcissistic partner to have a healthy relationship.
"Detaching with Love" is your own version of that saying. It does the same thing: keep your own life from becoming a series of BPD-related crises. In this case it means, "I care about you, but I recognize that you must make your own choices in life. I can love you, but I can't live your life for you.
Some people make life miserable for others. They blame you for their own problems, have no empathy, and always seem to be conjuring up trouble. A subset of them are called "high conflict people," and they often have some kind of personality disorder--usually borderline or narcissistic personality disorder.
Arrogance is another defense mechanism that keeps the narcissist a legend in his own mind, free from the stain of the imperfection of other human beings. Remember, narcissists (and borderlines) split, seeing themselves and others in black and white. Someone has to be on top, and someone has to be on the bottom.
Just as people with diabetes have a problem regulating their blood sugar and must test it several times a day, people with BPD find it difficult to be emotionally consistent. This is why you're continually walking on eggshells, never knowing what to expect when you walk in the door.
Isn't it amazing how easily communication can misfire between you and your family member? One of you feels wronged and takes something personally. Before you know it, your conversation gets derailed into yet another failed interaction. It happens so fast---all it takes is a look or a tone of voice. Here, therapist Elayne Savage gives you tips about what to do.
While we all fantasize, the trouble with narcissist fantasy is that the narcissist treads a fine line between what is magical thinking and what is real. As unhealthy as it is for the narcissist, it becomes gaslighting for his family members and contributes to their own confusion, frustration, and magical thinking.
Many partners of BPs and NPs can't distinguish between intimacy and intensity—the hearts and flowers and all the smitten singers you hear on the radio going tra-la-la about how their heart will burst if they can't have the person they met two days ago notwithstanding. Many of the big romances onscreen and in novels are about people who barely know each other.