Splitting, splitting, splitting. It refers to thinking in terms of black and white, good and bad, awful or wonderful. Everybody does it, although it's a hallmark of people with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. Even therapists and others professionals do it, although they should know better.
Here are some examples of splitting from myself and the book "The One Way Relationship Workbook" by Lavender and Cavaiola:
The BPD world itself contains a lot of splitting:
Some of the most angry people out there are those who never chose the relationship (such as second wives and adult children). Their concerns are valid and real, and they shouldn't feel invalidated. However, as they say, some of my best friends truly are people with BPD who work very hard in recovery (see the two categories above) and are no monsters.They take the stigma against BPD very personally. I see them hurt, and it bothers me terribly.
We all tend to view things based on our personal experience. If you're a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, you will probably believe that all BPs have been abused. If you're a man and had a terrible experience with a high conflict woman and the court system, you might decide that all women are shrews and marriage is the same as enslavement. (Actual advice I saw online: "try to see women as disgusting as you would homosexual men.")
Human nature takes us into some pretty predictable areas. It takes work to see that people are individuals, that our experience may not mirror everyone else's, and that in chosen relationships we usually bear some responsibility for the way the relationship turned out, even if it's only sticking around so long that by the time we wake up to the abuse we never get out of the victimization phase. It's healthy to be angry-for awhile. But getting stuck there doesn't hurt the other person--it only hurts you.
We need to feel in control of our lives to be happy--this has been shown in studies again and again. Elders in nursing homes do better when they choose which activities they want to do, when, and for how long. Take control of your life and open your heart to the good in people again. Just be more choosy in whom you place your trust. Learn from the experience, find a great support system, seek therapy, and find someone who deserves you.
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Copyright © 2015, Randi Kreger. This post (or any part of it) may not be reproduced without prior written permission.
Randi Kreger is the owner of BPDCentral.com and the Welcome to Oz online family community. You can find her books "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder," "The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook," "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist," at her store at BPDCentral.com.