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As a professor, I routinely sit in my office with students during the school year, listening as they lament their move home for the summer. And as a woman in her mid-forties with plenty of friends whose college-aged children are back at home, I am hearing concerns on the other side.
What’s interesting is that there’s a pattern—essentially, everyone is saying a version of the same thing. These become conversations in which I am walking a tightrope, trying to illuminate for one set of people what the other side feels.
So, encapsulated here, I am outlining here some concerns and the inherent paradoxes of them, with some secrets that may help to make this summer the easy and carefree stretch of time that we all hope it will be.
1) The paradox of independence or, “Leave me alone and stop treating me like a baby…but I still want mom’s homemade mac and cheese.”
The clear social and emotional growth point of college is for students to individuate from their families of origin. So by extension, students will function better at home when parents respect their adult child’s privacy and refrain from babying. At college, students are regularly making decisions on their own, some of which would thoroughly aggravate and upset their parents, but once back at home, students still need the practice of making their own decisions, living with the consequences of them, and advocating for themselves.
2) The paradox of change or, “I have changed. I’m not the same person I was before.”
The gift of a successful college experience is that students can be exposed to worlds they never knew existed and then try some of these ideas and sensibilities on for size. Students may come home declaring they are suddenly vegan, rejecting religion or embracing it, changing their political views, or doing wild things to their bodies in the form of tattoos and piercings. They may have colored their hair a trendy shade of blue or purple, or are newly inhabiting interracial, interfaith, or cross-cultural relationships, perhaps with a newfound desire to study abroad in the country of origin of the dating partner, or they may come out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.
The thing for parents to remember is that some of these attitudes and behaviors stick and some don’t, so it is really not worth getting overly hung up on, attached to, and critical of every preference, style choice, and identity pivot or shift. Parents would be well served to think back on their children when they were very little to remember how some core qualities, interests and choices have remained intact throughout the years and how some things change. This same young man may no longer be interested in Pokemon cards and this same young woman likely abandoned Dora the Explorer in favor of staking out her own terrain. My advice to parents is always: be curious as to who your children are becoming and cut them some slack as they spin around and twirl out new ideas and identities. In the same way parents were likely interested and entertained by their infant’s expressions, their toddler’s new words and gestures, or their school age child’s curiosity about a new idea at school, parents are well-served by bringing this same spirit of curiosity to interactions with their adult children.
Some issues are sure to press hotter buttons in families and carry with them more lasting consequences depending on how they are currently received, such as coming out as LGBTQ. If parents want an enduring relationship with their adult child, they will likely need to work through any discomfort they have on their own, perhaps with a therapist or in a supportive community like PFLAG (Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays).
3) The paradox of scheduling or, “I need the car. I’m going out and don’t know when I’ll be back.”
Of course, one of the biggest challenges to having adult children back at home is the basic issue of day-to-day scheduling and an invocation of daily manners. This is where it is good to sit down face-to-face and have a real exchange about expectations around things like curfews, sleeping in, work schedules, household chores, car sharing, meals, technology use, and family trips. College students need to remember how their behavior impacts others.
Parents, and especially mothers, who because of cultural pressures and ideologies of self-sacrificial mothering, may have perhaps overly directed some of their time and intellectual and emotional energy into their child's lives, may then encounter the most difficulty getting used to the shifts in their adult child’s new priorities and desire to spend less and less time with the family. It may feel like rejection of a sacred space that the mother nurtured for a long time.
Without a doubt, the act of a child leaving home shifts the family dynamics. This is true when siblings are present or not, as the departure changes the focus on the other children if there are any, alters the parents’ marriage or intimate relationship, and throws light back onto parents for how they want the remainder of their lives to look and feel.
4) The paradox of money or, “Can I borrow some cash?”
Like with the logistical issues involved in scheduling, money raises all sorts of issues on a practical level. Students are generally well served to have a paid job in the summer from which they can obtain some summer spending money and quite possibly money for returning to school in the fall. And as a professor, I am aware that the research shows that students who have had at least one internship experience during their college years will fare better when seeking employment after graduation. Some students are able to find paid internships, but it is far more likely these experiences will be unpaid or will come with very little compensation. Parents often need to be sensitive to this dimension, understanding that the internship is not fluff, but may just be the key to opening up doors to paid employment for the future and can be a springboard for their adult children to talk to adults in fields that interest them, shadow people, etc.
5) The paradox of communication or, “Sometimes I need to talk and sometimes I just don’t want to.”
This is a tricky one. Once away at college, adult children have likely—and hopefully—sought out new people to consult with about their lives—professors, coaches, advisors, peers, etc. At times, it may seem like they are following everyone’s mentorship but their parents. The best thing students can do is to deeply cultivate this web of connections. During the summer, it is best for parents not to question their student’s every move and their plans for majors/minors and post-graduation. Instead, parents can consider what their adult children are trying to open up about and then truly listen. One of the most heartbreaking stories I heard was from a woman who said she tried to talk to her parents about the sexual assault she experienced and they told her they would talk about it with her the next morning. That was several years ago and the conversation has still never happened.
6) The paradox of rejection or, “I can’t wait to get out of here and go back to college.”
If your kid wants to go back to college, this is reason to celebrate! Remember the anguished junior and senior years of high school, weighing the pros and cons of various colleges and touring different places? Wanting to get back to college means students chose a place they actually like and can call home and are engaged in crafting a vibrant life for themselves.
In a nutshell, what I try to emphasize to students is to remember that their parents are just as anxious about how to live together well again and to consider their parent’s relentless questions as possible interest in who they are becoming, and to cut them some slack. In the meantime, I try to remind parents that they raised their children to eventually go off and become independent, that they are usually doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing in that regard, to relish in this cool new adult they occasionally get to hang out with, and to cut the kids—and themselves—some slack.
