The Campus Tour From Hell

Source: Fidel Fernando/ Unsplash

As a college professor for over 20 years, I am no stranger to the excitement and trepidation that students and parents feel when they approach campus visits and admitted student days. In a previous article that was positively received, I offer suggestions for how best to approach campus tours to maximize everything there is to get out of them. So to add a bit of levity and laughter now, I offer tips for how parents can have a little fun embarrassing their soon-to-be college kids. Try these at your own risk:

1. Wear matching outfits, and then if your child gets separated from the tour, you can go to Campus Safety, point to your clothing, and say, “My kid is dressed just like me!”

2. Arrive late for the orientation meeting and demand they start again from the beginning.

3. When the tour guide asks questions of the group, be the first and the loudest to respond to them.

4. Monopolize the tour guide's time by asking a lot of questions that are specific to the needs and interests of your child.

5. Since it’s a good idea to check out campus dining, suggest to your child eating at the cafeteria, and then when you approach the food line, make sure you order for them. For example, “My daughter is lactose intolerant. Do you have any vegan, dairy-free, and gluten-free fettuccine Alfredo, because we don’t want accidents on the way home?”

6. While walking on campus during the tour, point to a group of boys and say to your daughter in a too-loud voice, “Hey look, honey, they are so cute. Surely you’ll be able to get a date here!”

7. Initiate loud conversations with other parents while the tour guide is talking.

8. Glom onto a parent whose kid you think would be a good roommate for your kid and march over to housing to coordinate it all.

9. Ask the housing office to let you into a room so you can bring in your child’s zoo of emotional support animals to see how well they adjust to the surroundings. Be sure to choose the campus where the pets are the happiest, especially Henrietta, the hedgehog.

10. Since sometimes Johnny has a tough time getting up for class; ask which residence halls have the RAs who offer the series of three wake-up calls.

11. Ask for the cell phone numbers for the chief of police and the college president in case you run into a jam.

12. When this is refused, demand it by saying, “What kind of customer service is this? Then what am I paying for?”

13. If anyone asks your son or daughter a question, be sure to quickly jump in and answer it for him/her.

14. Ask how to get daily text updates from professors, so you can check the progress of your student.

15. Randomly stop current students on campus and ask them about their experiences.

16. Facebook Live your tour with random commentary from the people around you, and ask your daughter every five minutes, “So, sweetie, what do you think?”

17. Take a lot of selfies with your student, and then ask the tour guide to slow down so you can catch up.

18. Feel free to take your cell phone calls during the tour.

19. Brag about how this is your kid’s safety school, and then proceed to talk as a team about how “We applied to all these Ivies also.”

20. Knock on the door of your sorority or fraternity, and tell them to please let your kid in.

21. Complain to the tour guide about all the things you think are wrong with the campus.