1. Rita Rudner: My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married...and I didn't want him to.

2. Liz Carpenter: When Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., stopped Carpenter at a Washington, D.C. cocktail party to make the following "just-kidding" comment about her recent bestseller—"I liked your book, Liz.  Who wrote it for you?"—she replied, without missing a beat, "I'm glad you like it,  Arthur. Who read it to you?" 

3. Tina Fey:  The more New Yorkers like something, the more disgusted they are. "The kitchen was all Sub-Zero: I want to kill myself. The building has a playroom that makes you want to break your own jaw with a golf club." I can't take it.

4. Wanda Sykes: Why are they called illegal immigrants? They're undocumented workers. If someone broke into my house and vacuumed my rug, I might be puzzled. But mad?

5. Joy Behar: It's important for a woman's point of view to be heard. People say to me, "Do you speak as a woman?" No, I speak as a man. Of course I speak as a woman!  What a stupid questions that is. I'm a female. What? Am I supposed to speak as if I had a schlong? (That's Italian for "facial hair").

6.  Erma Bombeck: Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

7. Judy Holliday: As a gorgeous young actress, Judy was being chased around the casting couch by an aroused director until she finally stopped running and removed the "falsies" she has tucked into her bra.  "Here," breathless, handing him two spheres of foam rubber, she said "I believe it's these you're after."

8. Elayne Boosler: [Conservatives] are against sex education in the schools because [they think] there's a connection between promiscuity and sex education—that kids do it because they learned about it. No way. I had four years of algebra and I never do math.

9.  Naomi Bliven: Behind almost every woman you ever heard of stands a man who let her down.

10. A traditional story told by women (I have NEVER heard a guy tell this one): A guy and a girl are in the front seat of a car adjusting themselves after a quickie. The guy looks a little uncomfortable and says to the girl, "If I'd known you were a virgin I would have taken more time." The girl looks back at him and sighs, "If I'd known you weren't in such a hurry, I'd have taken off my panty hose."

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