10 Truths About Bad Boyfriends 

For many reasons (let the evolutionary psychologists have a party tonight explaining why) women are attracted to Bad Boyfriends the way moths are attracted to the electric bug zapper. And they end up in pretty much the same condition: burnt out.

It's time to tell the truth about Bad Boyfriends. After all, somebody should benefit from all that experience. I can't have gone through all that crap when I was young for nothing. To put it another way, women (and some men) should share our collective emotional databases so that we can be more fully equipped to handle our attractions--and our responses to those attractions.

As a birthday gift to myself and my sister broads, here's what I've learned about Bad Boyfriends At Any Age:

1. The Bad Boyfriend, whether you meet him at pre-K or at the assisted living center, can be defined as follows: he is the one who is able to make otherwise sensible girls/women will their own destruction and sacrifice themselves with the reckless abandon of hyenas at a kill.

2. The weeks (or even, heaven help you, days) spent with the Bad Boyfriend leave a more lasting impression than the five years of your first marriage.

3. You share the same breathless, unabated appetite-- and then you realize he is also dining out, which is when you also realize you've been on a diet without knowing it.

4. "Love" and "Panic" are virtually interchangeable in terms of your emotional vocabulary.

5. When you are with other men, you adopt a Lame Duck attitude, whereby your distracted conversation is frequently punctuated by hollow laughs and the stroking of your own neck.

6. You follow his movements and track his information as if by magnetic influence. You spend time looking up old girlfriends on Facebook and the Internet to see whether they've named any children after him.

7. You hate the fact that no man is a bad boyfriend all the time. Wondering what could you change-you, him, the circumstances, his job, your family, the fact that his is twenty-six years younger than you, that he has a wife and sixteen children who look exactly like him, that he's gay, that he's indifferent-to make it better drains your life more effectively than any cute vampire out of a bad film ever could.

8. Having one Bad Boyfriend does not inoculate you against others. Having had a Bad Boyfriend is not, in that respect, like having the mumps-although in many other respects, it is.

9. You tell yourself that the right man at the wrong time is still the right man.

10. You know, even when you attempt to deny it, that the right man at the wrong time is still the wrong man.

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