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When the news on Sarah Ferguson, a.k.a. the Duchess of York, broke on the News of the World yesterday (if you haven't seen it, here's the link: http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/video/?videoChannel=NOTW:News&videoId=2…), the first person I knew I needed to speak to was my friend, Michael Flamini.
MF and I have discussed the royals in fabulous, glorious, gooey detail on many occasions over the years. As two Italians from the New York area, we do not personally have a great deal of day-to-day interaction with the royal family ourselves, and yet we have a consuming and abiding interest in the minutiae of their collective lives. Go figure.
MF was, for example, the inspiration for my chapter "Who is Your King Charming?" in It's Not That I'm Bitter. We love this stuff.
It's no surprise, therefore, that I knew today's conversation would be one worth recording--much like Fergie's own conversation with the Fake Sheik in that hotel room, except ours would involve no cash, booze, or cigarettes. (Hey, life is good, but it isn't perfect.)
GB: So what do you think of this whole Fergie thing?
MF: Sounds to me that an entirely new heading has opened up under the phrase "fruits of a marriage."
GB: Oh, come on. The lady gets some cash for promising to make a few introductions. Is this really such a scandal?
MF: This sounds big to me. I mean, when it starts to get around that Fergie could get $750K for Andrew-Andrew, the most boring royal-others are going to start thinking about how much they can get for their respective spouses. I mean how much could James Brolin get for Barbara Streisand. I'm just saying. How much would Melinda Gates get for Bill? How much would Nicholas Sarkozy get for Carla Bruni?
GB: Well, at least Fergie was trying to set up a business deal. You're not talking about James Brolin selling Barbara's secrets for business, are you? Or are you?
MF: Well...
GB: We need to clarify this point before moving ahead with our negotiations. Would we be paying for access to these individuals, or to get secrets about their home lives?
Me, I'd pay two different sums of money. If, for example, someone could get me a long lunch with George Clooney, Eddie Izzard, Jay Leno, or Margaret Atwood, I'd really pony up for that. But it would have to be an individual lunch, no distractions. I wouldn't want any of their entourage around. No cell phones. No looking over my shoulder to see if there's someone more interesting entering the room. No literal or metaphor foot-tapping.
If I were taking out a second mortgage on my house and pawning off my designer cats, I'd want to know that these people would be looking deeply into my eyes, hanging on my every word, and begging for my personal email so that they could keep in touch. In other words, I would want what no amount of money could promise. I would want their genuine interest. I wouldn't want to be like Christopher in The Sopranos when he met Ben Kingsley. That would be awful.
How about you? Would you want Brolin and Ms. Gates to offer access or simply to dish about their actual home lives?
MF: For that kind of money, I'd want major dish.
GB: Then we're talking about two different things, MF. Because I would pretty much want a guarantee that these people would fall in love with me. I would want them to become part of my social circle. You know, drop by unexpectedly for dinner, show up late at night for a drink and a talk as we look at the stars, that kind of thing. Now, I know you have a particular fondness for one individual not within your own social circle--at least, not yet. What would you pay to have dinner/drinks with Hugh Jackman?
MF: Let me see how my 401K is doing.
GB: If you could ask Hugh Jackman only one question, what would it be?
MF: Do you think age, let alone gender, is a problem when two people love each other?
GB: What would you pay for access to Andrew?
MF: Well, I would personally pay nothing for access to Andrew, but I think I might pay a lot for access to his brother Prince Edward. There have got to be a lot of great stories there...
GB: Who would you pay money NOT to meet?
MF: Sarah Palin. I'd pay A LOT not to meet her.
GB: Sometimes meeting is worth a fortune, but NOT meeting is priceless.
MF: I just told my partner that he was in no way allowed to sell access to me for anything other than a drinks date unless he spoke to my lawyer. Have you spoken to your husband about this yet and, if so, have you set down any rules?
GB: I just asked my husband what his rules were and he answered-- I quote-- "Small bills, unmarked, non-sequential." Not that I'm bitter.
