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Family Dynamics
Sources of Personality Quirks
Looking to pin your oddities on someone or something?
Posted September 28, 2011
I bring up several points in response to Stephen Betchen's personal observations, not to raise issue with his comments about himself, but to underscore what the broader research reveals.
Everyone is a bit strange in his own way, but what are the sources of individual quirks? Are Betchen's idiosyncrasies, like yours, the result of being an only child or from having siblings or the result of HOW you were raised? How your parents approached your singleness? Or, sibling rivalry? How they socialized you outside the family? What boundaries and rules-or lack thereof-that they put in place?
Where you grew up and your family's socio-economic situation have as much to do with how anyone fares in the world, more so than does the number of siblings you have or don't have. The answer to the specific question that headlined Betchen's post: Only Children Aren't Weird...Are We? is: No, only children are not stranger than their peers with siblings.
Below are Betchen's ten personal idiosyncrasies and my reaction in relationship to the implication that these might belong more to only children than to those with brothers and sisters. Although he writes, "this isn't meant to be a sweeping generalization of the only child," the list does reinforce some of the stereotypes about only children. For those of us who advocate for only children and their parents, I annotate his points (in italics) from my perspective as the parent of four stepchildren and years later, of an only child as well as someone who has been studying and writing about the only-child family for decades:
1. I've never liked staff meetings or consensus building organizations. I'm not used to talking over people or fighting to make my point. Doesn't that depend on what profession you choose or the people you choose to call friends? I particularly dislike being constantly interrupted, especially by people smarter than I am, and with much better ideas. Who does?
2. I can't say I'd like to be in charge of anything because I don't like the hassle of people constantly coming to me, or of me going to them. Isn't this a factor that relates more to leadership leanings than to being hassled by others? Those who had dependent, annoying siblings could easily feel the same way.
3. I'd rather go to small music venues than larger ones. I'm not paranoid; I'm just not used to a lot of noise or a lot of people around. Too many Americans in one room seems kinda dangerous to me. I don't like loud music or huge gatherings of people (like in football stadiums) and I have a sibling.
4. I like to have friends--and I have a handful of good ones that I've had for years--but I seem to have a built-in egg timer (the kind my mom used to let her know when her eggs were boiled) that lets me know when I have to go. Sometimes it feels like I'm getting a "fix" of friendship and then I need to withdraw. Needing a break from friends or other people including one's own siblings seems pretty "normal" to me. Some of my friends could use egg timers.
5. I think I would've made a great military sniper--if I could've gone out with other snipers-- otherwise I'd been too lonely. Most anyone faced with danger would rather be in a group than alone. Watch a few war movies.
6. I like to be seen as "special," Don't we all? but I don't like the spotlight. If a person has been sheltered and protected or overshadowed by a sibling, he or she may shun the spotlight, too (and conversely, crave it).
7. I don't like losses. I'd rather keep something awful at a distance than give it up completely. Show the person who likes to lose and I'll show you a loser.
8. I fight hard to keep myself from becoming triangulated into messy situations. Shows good sense. This bodes well for me as a couple's therapist but makes me nervous around lawyers. Lawyers, court rooms, and judges make most of us unfamiliar with the territory anxious.
9. I'm a big fan of J.D. Salinger. He was able to be special while living in the woods. John Updike, an only child, became special as a writer without isolating himself. (Salinger had an older sister.)
10. I relate to other only children, but some get on my nerves when they act like me. Friends with siblings never get on your nerves? Some people get on my nerves and I have no idea if they have a sibling or two.
Looking to blame sibling status, particularly being an only child, for personal quirks doesn't work for me. What about you? Join the conversation below.
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Copyright 2011 by Susan Newman
