Everyone has been talking about the incredible “live” Grammy’s performance by the one and only Beyoncé and her husband rapper Jay-Z. The stars opened the show with a super charged rendition of the song Drunk In Love. Jay-Z was dapper in a tux and bow-tie while Beyoncé wore an edgy and strappy bustier with Saint Laurent tights and her trademark sky-high heels. Their chemistry charged the entire Staples Center audience and even extended to viewers at home. (The blog “Jezebel” immediately posted a link of the performance to Facebook with the headline, “Watch This, Then Take a Cold Shower.”) While some people thought they were too racy and crossed the line with their performance, one thing is clear – it was hot. What makes this most interesting is the fact that Beyoncé and Jay-Z wed privately in 2008, putting them well beyond the typical honeymoon phase of a relationship. In addition to that, their daughter Blue Ivy was born in January 2012 and is a toddler now. Historically, this may not be the sexiest time for a relationship.
It is a common notion that once you settle into a marriage your sex life becomes dimmer and less lively, especially when kids appear on the scene. Combine that with the reality of working with your spouse and you have all the elements for tension which can cut right into your healthy sexual energy. Yet it seems that Beyoncé and Jay-Z have found a way to balance their professional lives with their roles as wife and husband as well as parents. In fact, Beyoncé has talked openly about embracing her sexuality in her married and maternal life. "I don't have any shame about being sexual. I'm not embarrassed about it,” she said recently in a documentary. We can look to Beyoncé and Jay-Z as role models for working together in a positive and cooperative way to maintain sexual intimacy. The real question, though, is how can you actually do that in your own relationship without getting up on center stage in front of the world? How can you keep the fire burning on the home front?
The goal here is to not get overwhelmed or burdened by the multiple roles you are in when you’re part of a marriage and a family to the point at which you become resentful of your partner. In other words, if you can manage your relationship with your spouse so that the frustration and anger can be minimized, you have a much better chance of staying sexually connected.
The first step in this direction is to be clear about each person’s individual responsibilities surrounding who is going to do what. With that in place, there won’t be daily questions about who should take the dog for a walk or get the kids to school or make dinner. The next step is to also know that some tasks will be shared, and to operate with flexibility so that you each know that if you can’t do something, your partner will step in. All of this will help you embrace the power of working as a team, which helps you feel turned on to your partner rather than letting resentment turn you against him or her.
The bottom line is that everyone has different levels of sexual energy and desire, but if you eliminate the distraction of the negative day-to-day feelings, and keep your sexual energy flowing, you will find it easier to fall into sync. Try not to get short-circuited by irritation and dissatisfaction because it shuts down your desire.
We can only fantasize about what it is like to be Beyoncé and Jay-Z, but you can bring some of their passion to your own life by implementing these strategies as you go about your daily life. Be clear about what hats you wear and what goals you share. Rely on each other, knowing that if either one of you drops the ball the other will pick it up. By keeping the flames of anger on low, you keep the heat of passion turned on and accessible.
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