It can be all screwed up. The signals that men and women use to locate lovers can go completely hay-wire by a major short circut that is created by our sexual insecurity. What is the root of that evil? It's all about being stuck in old belief systems that so many people feel about their self image. A woman who is worried about her appearance can't relax enough to let her true sensuality rise up and be playful.

If she is worried about her tummy poofing out she will be tense. Too many women spend their erotic time with their partners being on alert for reassurances from their lovers that they are indeed attractive enough to them. Somehow if we look deeply enough in their eyes we will see that they really find us sexy and beautiful.

If a woman is ashamed of her shape, her weight, her breasts, the flesh on her arms or ass, she will be stilled. If she does not feel entitled to being seen, to attracting attention, she will fade quietly into the background, never getting a place to shine.

If the man can only see a certain kind of beauty - he is stuck too. It is possible that his field of vision has been corrupted to a place where he won't be able to see her true beauty. In this place, he might miss his soul mate, because she doesn't look like a magazine cover model. Or because she is hiding her body and does not feel brave enough to send out signals that she is there and available.

According to Naomi Wolf in the in her book, "The Beauty Myth". "Men are visually aroused by women's bodies and less sensitive to their arousal by women's personalities because they are trained early into that response, while women are less visually aroused and more emotionally aroused because that is their training. This asymmetry in sexual education maintains men's power in the myth: They look at women's bodies, evaluate, move on; their own bodies are not looked at, evaluated, and taken or passed over. But there is no "rock called gender" responsible for that; it can change so that real mutuality--an equal gaze, equal vulnerability, equal desire--brings heterosexual men and women together.”

In so many ways, this is the reality of courtship and dating in our world. To move past these models requires a re visioning of the way that we are with each other. What I have found is that in so many ways the shift maker responsibility in making this  happen is the woman.

If she can learn to feel her body, and express her innate sexiness - amazing things can happen. This does come from the inside out, and it is a place of sexiness that knows no restrictions or categories.

I have watched women do this again and again. It can be a game changer. If she can wake up enough to be seen as the hot sexy woman that her skin container holds, she will be seen and she will be desired. Be the flower that opens it's petals. See what happens. Defy description. Move center stage. Shine. It's truly possible.

What To Do After Reading This Article?

Check out "Back to The Body: A Sensuous Retreat For Women"

Discover Pamela's Book "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner"

Shameless Woman

Pursuing an integrated life of sensuality, health, healing and rejuvenation
Pamela Madsen

Pamela Madsen is the author of Shameless and founder of The American Fertility Association.

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