"The news is not great" said the doctor "You now have protein leaking from your right eye - and your visual field has some decline in your left eye". What the hell?
I don't mean to lose faith in my "Rejuvenation Project" - but I have been at this since September. Raw foods, detox, colonics, over 100 hours of meditation, yoga, walking, healing visualizations, a shamanic ritual and let's not forget healing on the cell level.
Okay. So maybe this will take time. There are no quick fixes. I get that. I didn't expect my eyes to rapidly improve —but decline? Is my project bullshit? And I really felt my sexy meter fall through to the basement all in one great collapse.
I looked bewildered at the doctor. "Lose 6% more of your body weight. I think that will turn the tide".
I looked up at her slightly bewildered. I wondered to myself which part of my body would the 6% come from. I was back to the beginning again in the dance between fat, health and sexy!
My doctor weighs about 100 pounds. During her the neurological tests - she was checking my strength. "Gee - you are strong!" she exclaimed. "Yeah, well...actually I am holding back - I don't want to hurt you." I responded softly. None of this was helping my self image. Again, my mind wandered—this time to the evening ahead which was going to be a night out with the girls. I felt the self loathing creep in between my body doing weird things and what I was going to wear tonight.
Most of us want to feel hot and sexy. We want earth-shattering orgasms—and to feel like those women look in those damn magazines sipping a Margarita with smoky eyes who are about to have the most incredible sex in the universe. Right? Maybe? Who knows—but right there in the doctor's office I was hating them. Which isn't very kind or fair. I am sure that they have body issues too. Right?
But seeing those images can make me feel confronted with what I am not and leaves me with this feeling that I am not enough. More than that—it is this feeling that I will never have in my life what I truly want because I just don't look like that. And probably my eyes are screwing up because I don't like that too.
And what is it that I want —you may ask? It's a simple thing really....I want to be deeply desired, and feel free in my body. I want to be able to know that I am sexy from the inside out and truly believe it all the time! I want to be able to walk around naked and not worry about my bottom shaking in a bad way!
I want to get so lost in my own wanton sexiness that orgasms flow from me like a water fall. I don't want much— I just want to dance in my own inner sexy wildness and be incredibly healthy. Is that asking for so much?
It truly shocks me when I contront my own self loathing. How can I still go to those places of calling myself names. After all, this true confession is being spoken by a woman who has professed to the world that I have conquered body shame and self acceptance by embracing my sexual pleasure. Am I a fraud—or am I simply real and honest? The fact is, that I have healed so much of the damage that I have walked around with for most of my life when it comes to my body image and my sexuality—but everyday as my feet touch the ground it takes a little bit of courage to love myself just as I am.
And that is the truth. To say anything else would be to over promise healing just like those 30 day miracle diets on television.
We all have to learn to quiet those nasty little voices in our heads that tell us that we are not enough - that we are fat and stupid. That our bodies are ugly and that our boss hates us.
I know those tapes so well that I could sing a long! My book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner (Rodale January 2011) is all about my funny, sexy, unconventional path to falling in love with myself again in the most unbelievable way.... And I did. It's just that—I am human and sometimes I get taken out of how I was "feeling" during my journey and I get stuck in how I believe I look. Sometimes, I hate my neck. My face is too round. The doctor says I have to lose 6% of my body fat if I want my eyes to get better.
And I stop feeling sexy. Instead I get filled with self doubt and worry. You see—I am a real woman. Isn't that reassuring? I am not going to give you pleasure platitudes and tell you that if you do this or that all of your inner fears will go away completely. They don't. But it can get better.
This is what I can promise. If you work on embracing who you are every single day just like a religious practice —things will change in your world.
In so many ways it is like developing a healthy eating and exercising plan. There is a lot of self talk, and self encouragment that needs to happen. I have to do it too —even now. Especially now! The voices of fear that tell us that we are not enough or are broken in some way —really don't ever really go completely away.
I hope that by showing up and being honest about how I feel and how I move through all of the hatefulness that I can throw at myself will inspire you to do it too. The fact is that most of the time these days I feel smoking! I have a swagger to my step and kick to my heels. I dress like a diva with a wink! And I still feel bad about my neck a lot. You see —I still have really big moments of self loathing. It's all a part of the process.....
Self loving is a practice. Let's practice together.