I have been talking lately about what quality love making is all about with my friends, and sex educator colleagues. One of my dear friends who works with women on sexual issues raised a new concept for me - the "Organic Orgasm".
I just love that language! And I want to explore the idea of "Organic Orgasms" and the importance of orgasm in our sexual experience.
Let's start first by acknowledging that there are different types of orgasm and the experience of orgasm. Even the language of "Orgasm" can be confusing to many people. What do we mean by "Orgasm"? What is that?
So, let's just say that for this discussion I am talking about all of the interpretations of language including: orgasm, climax, vaginal orgasm, clitoral orgasm, full-body orgasm, male ejaculation, female ejaculation, G Spot orgasm and even "getting off".
When we talk about "Organic Orgasm" it can feel like any of these experiences to you.
I am going to make a bold statement here - that my sex educator friend and I totally agree on:
I don't believe that any of these types of orgasms is the goal of every sexual experience and connection for either partner. I love what my friend said: We get so stuck on this idea that quality sexual intimacy must end in an orgasm.
"I don't have a need for my partner to orgasm. I don't feel an obligation to "give" my partner an orgasm. I don't feel an obligation to have an orgasm myself."
Sometimes - orgasm can really be besides the point - there is so much pleasure and intimate connection that can be found in taking the time explore sexual arousal as a meal in of itself. Having orgasm focused sexual experiences can rob you from all of the different types of connections and pleasures that can be found in sexual intimacy.
The crux of what we are talking about when we use the term "Organic Orgasm" is an orgasm that is not forced simply for the goal of having it.
Unfortunately, the experience of orgasm is put out as the measure of success of a joyful and meaningful sexual experience. It's like our culture views sex as a sporting event. Once we get on the playing field of sex, it's all around running around the bases - with the sole purpose of hitting a home run. Isn't that what we learned as young sexual beings with that entire concept of "hitting a home run?" Some how, if we don't get that orgasm we feel like we lost the game.
I have a another good friend that was determined to experience female ejaculation, so she worked with a hands on therapist in a workshop for hours and hours and hours. She was going to experience this type of orgasm no matter what. Well, after far too many hours - she did. To me it sounded like a war. Not an orgasmic experience at all - at least to me.
I contend that being "orgasm focused" can actually work against people having beautiful sexual connections and experiences organic orgasm in all of it's flavors. It is really NOT about having a "Climax" - even though climax's are yummy when they happen! It's really about drinking in the stages and sublime pleasures of arousal, touch and intimacy.
And I hate all of this new pressure to achieve a certain types of orgasm, that made my friend go to battle to get her female ejaculation! She was not alone.
New Age Sex Educators are running workshops on "G Spot" massage and Female Ejaculation all across the country. It's not just important to have an orgasm we have to try to have the latest kind! And all of this hype around the various types of orgasm can lead many people to believe that orgasm is ultimately the most important part of any sexual encounter. If we don't have one of the various flavors of orgasm our lovemaking or sexual experience (even self pleasuring) could be deemed unsatisfying or a failure. So many of us are really missing the boat of what could be if we would simply stop running around the playing field and sit on first base for awhile and feel what we are feeling!
Let's look at the forced orgasm versus the organic orgasm. When an orgasm is forced such as through the use of a vibrator with the sole goal being the climax - there can be a significant difference in the quality of those orgasms on a deep and experiential level.
If the goal is simply to achieve orgasm rather than to experience all the different types of connection and pleasure that is possible with our sexuality I would rather fore go the forced, superficial orgasm. But I don't like to eat fast food either.
Perhaps it is a time to re-educate ourselves about sexual pleasure. We have become such a goal orientated society that we often don't look out the window on the train. It's all about get where we think we need to be going - and it is often really the journey itself that carries holds the treasures for our mind, body and spirit.
I believe that the organic orgasms are the ones that nourish us. We just have to make room in our busy schedules for their arrival. They don't need to show up during every sexual interaction - but if we stay on the path to connection and give up making climax the focus of every sexual encounter - we may find that organic orgasms like organic, free range and slow cooked food is more nourishing to our relationships with our beloveds and with ourselves. And we might begin to uptap a new kind of shameless pleasure that lost in the rush to achieve the orgasm goal.
My advice? Don't seek out the forced, goal orientated orgasm. Instead stay on the path toward organic orgasm, without attachment to achieving it.
Orgasms will come and go. That's perfectly natural. Sexually, I think it's better to stay on the path towards connection to ourselves and our partners. As my wise friend said:
"If we focus on staying on the path, that is to say, staying connected. It's a practice. It's about awareness, noticing when we're on the path, when we've strayed, how it all feels. There are no As, Bs, Cs, Ds, or Fs. There might be flowers (orgasms) along today's path, and there might be none".
A Rumi Poem:
Come to the orchard in Spring.
There is light and wine and sweethearts
in the pomegranate flowers.
If you do not come, these do not matter.
If you do come, these do not matter".