This post is in response to Beware America's Shocking Loss of Empathy by David Niose
Susan Heitler
Source: Susan Heitler

How can you assess if an adult  functions emotionally more like a child?

As a therapist who works primarily with couples, I have learned that almost any client can look reasonably adult when I meet with him or her individually. In politics that's like assessing a candidate in a town hall session where one candidate is the sole speaker.

Seeing the same therapy client in a couple therapy session gives me vastly more data.  Mistaken, immature and pathological behaviors all become very visible when the spouses interact in front of me.  I see very telling behaviors, especially about the extent to which each partner's actions are rude, hurtful or even dangerously childish--or calm, respectful, and maturely adult.

What is emotional age?  

A psychologist from Africa with whom I once spoke at an international psychology conference explained to me that in his country it was common to assess people in terms of both physical age and emotional age.  

Physical age can be counted by number of birthdays, and also by whether a person has attained full growth in terms of their height, strength, cognitive functioning etc.

Psychological or emotional age is based on emotional habits. For instance, adults can stay calm whereas children tend to be quick to anger.  Adults exercise careful judgment before talking whereas children are prone to impulsive blurting out of hurtful words.

Preschoolers, of which there are four in my extended family, get mad or cry several times every day, even though they are basically well-nurtured and happy kids.  If they want a car or doll another child is playing with, the younger ones are likely to reach out and take them.  The rules of adult play like taking turns or not grabbing have not yet begun to shape their behavior.  They do not act in a consistently civil manner with other children because they have not yet internalized the rules of "civilized" adults. What in children however is normal, in adults becomes childish and rude.

Can you recognize childish adult behavior?

One way to think about how young children differ from emotionally mature grown-ups is to picture young children you know—maybe even your own children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews and neighbors.  How do these children differ from adults that you know and respect? 

Before reading my list of characteristics that I look for, you might want to jot down a list of the traits that you noticed in your visualization.  Please share with other readers in the Comments below this article if you spotted some traits that I missed.

10 Signs Therapists Note When They Assess Emotional Childishness or Maturity

How many of the following signs of emotional immaturity does your list include? 

1. Emotional escalations

Young children often cry, get mad, or look petulant and pouting.  Grownups seldom do.

2. Blaming

When things go wrong, young children look to blame someone.  Grownups look to fix the problem.

3. Lies

When there's a situation that's uncomfortable, young children might lie to stay out of trouble.  Grownups deal with reality, reliably speaking the truth.

4. Name-calling

Children call each other names.  Adults seek to understand issues.  Adults do not make ad hominen attacks, that is, attacks on people's personal traits. Instead, they attack the problem.  They do not disrespect others with mean labels.  

There is one exception.  Sometimes adults, like firefighters who battle forest fires, have to fight fire with fire.  They may need in some way to power over an angry child,  or an out-of-bounds adult, in order to get them to cease their bad behavior.  "Stop it!"

5. Impulsivity (or as therapists say, "poor impulse control")

Children strike out impulsively when they feel hurt or mad. They speak recklessly or take impulsive action without pausing to think about the potential consequences.

Adults pause, resisting the impulse to shoot out hurtful words or actions.  They calm themselves.  They then think through the problem, seeking more information and analyzing options . Similarly, instead of listening to others' viewpoints, they impulsively interrupt them.

Again, acting on impulse occasionally is a hallmark of mature behavior.  Soldiers and police are trained to discriminate rapidly between harmless and dangerous situations so that they can respond quickly enough to protect potential victims of criminal actions.

6. Need to be the center of attention

Ever tried to have adult dinner conversations with a two year old at the table?  Did attempts to launch a discussion with others at the table lead the child either to get fussy?

7. Bullying

A child who is physically larger than the other children his age can walk up to another boy who is playing with a toy he would like and simply take it.  The other child may say nothing lest the bully turn on them with hostility. Safer just to let a bully have what he wants?

8. Budding narcissism

In an earlier post I coined the term tall man syndrome for one way that narcissism can develop.  If you can get whatever you want because you are bigger, stronger, richer etc, you become at risk for learning that the rules don't apply to you.  Whatever you want, you take.  It's all about you. 

Note that narcissistic attitudes may look initially like strength.  In fact, they reflect rigidity. 

Psychologically strong people can tolerate listening to others.  Narcissists are emotionally brittle.  It's my way or the highway, like a child who wants to stay out and play even though dinner is on the table and pitches a fit rather than heed his parent's explanation that the family is eating now.  It's all about me; no one else counts; and if I don't get my way I'll bully you with anger or feel overwhelmed and pout.

9. Immature defenses

Freud coined the term defense mechanisms for ways in which individuals protect themselves and/or get what they want.  Adults use defense mechanisms like listening to others' concerns as well as to their own and then problem-solving.  These responses to difficulties signal psychological maturity.

Children tend to regard the best defense as a strong offense.  While that defensive strategy may work in football, attacking anyone who something different from what they want is, in life, a primitive defense mechanism. 

Another primitive defense is denial: "I didn't say that!" "I never did that!" when in fact they did say and do that.  Sound child-like to you?  

10. No observing ego, that is, ability to see, acknowledge, and learn from their mistakes.

When emotionally mature adults 'lose their cool' and express anger inappropriately, they soon after, with their "observing ego," realize that their outburst was inappropriate.  That is, they can see with hindsight that their behavior was out of line with their value system.  Their that it was, as therapists say "ego dystonic" (against their value system). 

Children who have not yet internalized mature guidelines of respectful behavior toward others, or who have not developed ability to observe their behaviors to judge what's in line and what's out of line, see their anger as normal, as "ego syntonic" and justify it by blaming the other person.

If you, or someone you know, does by these factors appear to be functioning more like a child than like a grown-up, what are your options?

It's fine to love children.  It's harder to love someone who is a child in the body of a grownup.  Still, most childlike adults only act childishly when they feel under threat.  One strategy therefore if you love someone who has childish sides is to focus primarily on the more adult and attractive aspects of the person.  

If you are the childlike one, love your strengths—and pay attention to growing in your less mature habit areas.

Another strategy is to cease being surprised when the childish patterns emerge.  Thinking "I can't believe that s/he/I did that!" signifies that you have not yet accepted the reality of the child-like behaviors.  Accepting that the behaviors do occur is a first and vital step toward change. 

Third, if you are the receiver of childish behaviors, beware of trying to change the other person.  Instead, figure out what you can do differently so those patterns will no longer be problematic for you.  Your job is only to change yourself, not to change others. 

Lastly, talk together with loved ones about learning the skills of adult functioning.  Much of what grown-up "children" do can be considered as a skills deficit.  Getting the skills can move anyone into grown-up-ville. 

(c) Susan Heitler, PhD.


(c) Susan Heitler
Source: (c) Susan Heitler

Dr. Susan Heitler, a Harvard and NYU graduate and Denver clinical psychologist, has authored PT blogposts that have garnered over 9 million reads. 

Check out Dr. Heitler's book, workbook and website that teach the collaborative communication skills that ready you for marriage success: The Power of Two

For information on how to handle distressing situations with emotional maturity, see Dr. Heitler's newest publication: PRESCRIPTIONS WITHOUT PILLS: For Relief from Depression, Anger, Anxiety and More and the free website with handouts and videos augmenting the book,

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