What if you and your loved one are living the opposite of happily ever after? Do your marital issues leave you feeling less than loved and loving in your partnership? Are your disagreements creating tensions and distance between you instead of leading to mutually satisfying solutions?
If your partnership is yielding too much negative energy, maybe it's time to reverse the trend. How can couples counseling help?
While couples counseling encompasses a wide range of philosophies and techniques, three levels of interventions stand out for me as critical for successful outcomes.
1) Skills coaching
An effective marriage therapist will coach the two of you in the skills that enable couples to succeed as partners in life. The therapist also hopefully will guide you in using win-win coflict resolution skills to guide you to new solutions on the issues about which you tend to spin your wheels or fight.
2) Look backwards at the sources
A good marriage counselor can help you to glance backwards to understand how your problems developed. Was there a period of time when your lives became too stressful and you began to turn against each other instead of staying united against the problem?
Also, did you learn to argue from how your parents interacted?
3) Emotionally hyper-sensitive issues.
To illustrate the three levels of intervention, here's a case from my practice: Jerry and Nora--names changed, of course--sought therapy to end their chronic bickering.
Level I: How-To
Marriage is a high-skilled activity. Technique for communication in relationships matters. Jerry and Nora needed coaching to upgrade their skills in four arenas. They learned how to:
1) Talk and listen cooperatively instead of becoming adversarial
2) Keep their interactions in the calm zone, with zero emotional escalations
3) Resolve their differences with what I call the win-win waltz
4) Sustain a steady flow of loving appreciation, affection, and pleasure
Over a series of sessions, plus home practice on my PowerOfTwoMarriage.com website, Jerry and Nora found that as they knew better, they began to do better.
Level II: How-Come
Pulling up old habits by their roots helps make changes permanent. Where had Jerry and Nora learned to bicker? In a household where parents speak English, the kids learn English. If they speak fighting, the kids learn the language of arguing.
Jerry learned in his family to be insistent; whoever hung in there the longest got his way. Nora's parents were too swamped to listen to the specific preferences of any of their seven children. Nora learned to give up before even saying what she wanted, and then to issue criticisms to vent her disappointment.
As a married couple, Jerry and Nora triggered each others' skill glitches. Jerry insisted on his way; Nora criticized; Jerry felt judged and snapped back, inviting further criticism from Nora, and round and round they went.
In sum, Nora and Jerry's conflict patterns stemmed both from the habits they'd learned from their families of origin, and from interaction cycles they'd developed in response to each other.
Level III: Landmines
Identifying and clearing landmines--deeper emotional well-springs of negative feelings--completes the therapy process. Deeper, as described by psychologist John Norcross, refers to subconscious feelings that occurred historically earlier in life, and/or that are less accessible to conscious awareness.
To access clients' landmine issues, I listen closely:
Jerry's wife's critical tone of voice could trigger in him a geyser of resentment. While no one likes to receive criticism, Jerry's hyper-intense response to feeling unjustly accused stemmed from having been the recipient of unjust accusations in his youth. Similarly, Nora's anger surged when she experienced Jerry as not listening to her.
Jerry and Nora completed all three levels of treatment: How-to, How-come, and Landmines. While they still experience occasional bumps, overall they now enjoy a vastly more collaborative, affectionate and bicker-free relationship. Mission accomplished!
Susan Heitler, PhD, a Denver Clinical psychologist, is author of multiple publications including From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two. A graduate of Harvard and NYU, Dr. Heitler's most recent project is a marriage skills website, PowerOfTwoMarriage.com.
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