Something Positive For The Children

I have written on several occasions how important it is to include children in family rituals, to respect their need to be part of the family drama. All of the family, each in their own way, struggle with the new reality that follows the death of a parent or a sibling. When I talk about grieving children (of all ages) needing care, continuity and connection, it is my way of being sure they are included and their needs considered.. I was recently reading about children's need for approval, for recognition of things well done. Too often this need may get lost in the overwhelming grief that dominates family life after a death .but it is essential to what I mean when I talk of children needing care.

A grieving family lives with sadness and often a great deal of tension. Often both parents and children may avoid each other hoping to protect each other from the pain they feel. In reality it doesn't protect. In some way that pain has to be acknowledged. The best protection for all may be learning to share this pain. You may not always be able to immediately do something about it but being open takes away some of the tension. Both parents and children also need to know that everything they try may not be successful but they need to know that they are recognized in a positive way, for the effort. Under these circumstances it becomes even more difficult to remember the value of telling your child that you love them, of saying thank you for helping, however, big or small the help was. A hug or a kiss from time to time can be very meaningful. Although teen agers, in particular, can be embarrassed by a show of affection, making the effort and respecting the way they respond can be very important. Appreciating that your children too are having a difficult time is important. Ask about school, about how it feels knowing that their parent is dead or their sibling is no longer with them. Be curious but be respectful. It is alright if your children don't want to talk but it is important that they know that you are interested.

Some parents have set aside a special time on a regular basis when they do something special as a family. It can be going out for ice cream, watching a movie, making a family meal together, going for a walk or whatever you once enjoyed doing as a family. It may not be easy but to continue something from the past that gave you all pleasure is a good way to honor and remember the deceased. How this time is spent can be a decision made by the family. Children can choose what pleases them. If one of the children is involved in a local sports event this can be an occasion for a family outing to support the local team. If there is a large age difference in children let each age group have a turn , in choosing what to do. Sometimes in repeating an activity that the deceased was a part of and particularly enjoyed may be sad and remind the family of what they have lost. It is also a way of remembering the good times and capturing some of those feelings albeit in a somewhat different way.

One favorite thing that I learned from a widow I talked with was that her husband enjoyed hot fudge sundaes. He always created a reason for an outing to the local ice cream parlor. She took the children to his favorite place for ice cream on his birthday. This brought back good memories and they all enjoyed themselves. Each family can find its own pleasure. It is important to see that grieving involves more than sadness by enjoying the gifts of the past in the present.